


Gifts and Regrets

by QueenBagelcat



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Canon Compliant, Complete, Cross-Posted on FanFiction.Net, Family Feels, Gen, No Slash, No Smut, Season/Series 12
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-14 12:39:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,378
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18476422
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBagelcat/pseuds/QueenBagelcat
Summary: Sam, Dean, Mary and Cas hunt a monster in the forest and encounter an ancient and powerful entity. Some gifts hurt. Set after 12.16. Ladies Drink Free, but not related to it.





	1. A Family Hunt

As the four hunters panted, sweaty and catching their breath after the battle, the night sounds of the heavy forest started to come back. The crickets began to chirp again,and the faint hoot of a distant owl could be heard. It would have been a peaceful April night if it wasn't for the dead body in front of them, leaking goo into the ground. Dean toed the corpse gingerly. He and Sam had killed a lot of monsters over the years, but this one was particularly ugly. Muddy scales trailed down its back like a lizard, but it had a furry wolf-like head and a mouth full of a double row of sharp teeth. It had been particularly hard to kill too, impervious to magic and with skin like armor.

In the end, it had taken the four of them a long struggle to harry it enough so that it rose up on its hind feet, giving them a shot at its vulnerable underbelly. The razor sharp claws had barely missed Cas, leaving ragged tears through his trench coat. And thank God, Sam had only been tossed with a back of it's hand instead of with it's claws. If Mom hadn't hacked off the barbed tip of its tail as a distraction, the thing would have gutted Sam in a second as he lay stunned at the foot of the tree got thrown against. Finally, Dean had been able to duck under its reach and drive the silver, short sword into the monster's guts. It had dropped like a rock at that point. Dean gave the body another nudge, then walked to where Sam and their Mom were standing.

"Really Sam, I'm fine," Mom said, holding her arm. Dean hadn't seen her get tagged, but the blood he could see on her flannel shirt confirmed that she was injured.

"Claw or spike?," Dean forced himself to ask calmly. What he wanted to do was pull her arm free and check out her injury for himself, but he and Mom had forged some kind of relationship, and he didn't want to overstep. He was trying to give Mom the space she had asked for.

"It's fine. One of the barbs caught me, but it's not even bleeding that bad." At that confession, Cas, who had joined the Winchesters frowned and offered his two cents.

"Mary, it is unclear if the barbs are poisonous. It would be prudent for me to check, as we are a long way from conventional medical assistance." Dean mused that Cas was far from wrong. They had hiked deep into the Ouachita National Forest in search of the creature that had killed a party of four backwoods campers. They were at least an hour or more away from the cars and another hour to medical help in Hot Springs.

Mom pursed her lips, but extended her arm. Cas pushed up her sleeve, revealing a bad laceration which was running with blood. He steadied her arm with one hand and with the other, raised his palm, placing it just above the nasty wound. There was a brief blue glow and Cas closed his eyes. Dean had seen the angel heal injuries dozens of times, but it never failed to amaze him to see new unblemished skin, once the glow faded.

"The wound was not poisonous and I healed it for you." Cas' tone was solemn as usual even as he smiled almost shyly at Mom. He gently tugged down the blood soaked sleeve before letting go of Mom's arm.

"Thank you Castiel," was all she said, smiling back while patting his arm fondly. As weird as it was to think about, Dean was glad that Cas had grown close to Mom. For a long time, he and Sam had thought of Cas as family - an honorary Winchester, who had stood by them through a mountain of crap. It was nice that Mom had kinda adopted him as a third son. Nice, but still a little weird. He turned to Sam who was rubbing his shoulder.

"You good?," he asked, but Sam just rolled his shoulder one last time and nodded.

"Okay. Well, c'mon, let's burn this sucker so that we can get out of here. It's getting late." Dean suppressed the urge to check Sam out for injuries. At this point, he trusted Sam to tell him if he was hurt, but old habits can be hard to break and there had been a time when everything else would have waited while he made sure that his brother was all right. Before he gave in to his big brother instincts, he began dragging his foot around to clear some of the leaves and debris from a rocky part of the forest floor. Sam joined him to open up an area on which they could burn the body. Nobody wanted to cause a forest fire. Once the area was safe, Sam grabbed the monster's body by its horns and, his muscles straining, dragged it over to the cleared area. Dean went to pull the salt from their bag and Sam pulled out his phone.

"Really, dude? You need something to remember this fugly by?," he teased. Sam shot Dean a sour look.

"I've never seen or heard of something like this before, and I want to document it for the archives."

Dean rolled his eyes at Sam's nerdiness, but he couldn't help but admit that it made sense to record what they'd learned for future hunters, just in case there were more of these out there somewhere. As Sam snapped a few photos, he doused the body in salt and a splash of lighter fluid. Mom and Cas kept an eye out, just in case. Once they were all out of range, he lit a book of matches and dropped them onto the corpse. It flared up and burned hotly, illuminating the dark forest with flickering shadows.

The little group stood quietly, watching the fire. In the firelight, he caught Mom's expression. She looked sad, but when she spotted him staring at her, she shot him a tentative smile. He grinned back, but grimaced inside. Thinking about their mother always tied Dean in knots. He'd idolized her for most of his life, perhaps unfairly putting her on a pedestal. He had been over the moon to get his mother back, and eager to get to know her. But things hadn't gone like that. Frankly, she had been distant and distracted almost since she'd been brought back, but it had gotten worse after the vampire attack at the Men of Letters compound. He wished he knew what was going on with Mom, then maybe he could stop vacillating between being angry at her and worried about her. He sensed Sam's comforting presence just behind his right shoulder and turned to give him a nod.

It felt good to have Sam by his side. The memory of their time locked up by the Feds was still painfully fresh for Dean, despite the months that had passed. It had been awful to be separated from Sam for so long. At the time, the silence and the boredom had almost driven him crazy, but was a hundred times worse because he couldn't communicate with his brother. He could only imagine what being locked in a small space had been like for Sam after his history with the Cage. Sam wouldn't talk about it, but if Dean had been suffering, not even sure if Sam was alive, then it had to have been way worse for the kid. He shuddered, and tried to shake off the memory of being locked in that horrible cell.

Dean found a fallen log to sit on and shoved his hands into his pockets against the cool night air. After a few minutes of watching the flames Dean realized that, despite his worries and his dark memories, right now, he was pretty happy. Sure, they had to find Kelly and Lucifer's spawn-to-be, but his family was here, safe with him, the world hadn't ended yet and the fugly of the week was merrily burning in front of them. Even the sky had cleared and the moon appeared, a gentle breeze shook the leaves above and brought the fresh scent of the forest to counteract the muddy, sour smell from the fire. With a soft sigh of contentment, Dean squirmed to find a comfortable way to sit on his log. Bodies took a fair while to burn.


	2. Into the Woods

Sam stood and watched the unknown monster slowly turn to ash. Dean had settled down on a nearby log, seemingly happy to watch the fire burn. But Sam, despite being tired, felt restless and in a strangely contemplative mood. There was a time when disposing of a corpse, even a monsterous one, used to bother him. Hunting, no matter how necessary, seemed to consist of little more than risk and danger, blood and loss. Even a successful hunt usually ended in death. Dean would say that as long as it was the monster that died and not them, then it was cause to celebrate. Still, there had been a time when Sam had longed to get away from all the violence and suffering, when death in general was something he had difficulty celebrating. That was a big part of why he chose to team up with the Men of Letters. Yes, they were pompous and arrogant. And he had certainly not forgotten what Lady Bevell had done to him. But he'd learned long ago that he could ignore the horrible things that had happened to him if he could focus on something else, especially the greater good.

The Men of Letters had a plan, a big picture that made the concept of a world without monsters a possibility. Sam wasn't foolish enough to think that eradicating monsters was going to be simple, and it sure wasn't going to erase all the hell he had lived through or make up for all the horrible things that had happened in his and Dean's lives. But, it was the idea that he could be part of the solution that drove him to tolerate working with them. His dream was that no other kid would have to suffer what he and Dean had suffered. Sam had failed once in making a difference when he could have closed the gates of Hell. This time, with the might of the Men of Letters on their side, maybe it could be different.

A light bump to his shoulder broke Sam out of his train of thought. Dean had left his perch and stood next to him. The fire had burned down while he'd been thinking, and there was nothing but a soft pile of smoldering ash to show that the chimera-like monster had ever existed.

"You good, Sam?" Dean asked again, looking into his face with a familiar worried look. Sam had to stop himself from rolling his eyes. Dean always got worried when he felt Sam was thinking too much. Most of the time it was just annoying, but sometimes it was just what he needed to keep from going crazy.

"Yeah, I'm good," he answered Dean somewhat truthfully.

"Great! Than less thinking, more shoveling, ," his brother answered, pushing a shovel into his hands with a grin. Together they quickly turned over the earth, putting out the embers and burying the ashes. Once all evidence of the monster was gone, Sam wiped his dirty hands on his denim covered thighs and Dean slapped him on the shoulder.

"Let's go home," was all Dean said, but somehow the words made Sam smile.

xxxxxxx

Cas walked next to Mary through the shadowy forest. His companion held a low flashlight that bobbed across the ground in front of them, illuminating their path. The moon had come out from behind the clouds, and stars were twinkling above, but beneath the trees it was very dark. He watched Sam and Dean as they walked a few feet ahead. The brothers never seemed to be aware of how often they did it, but they were walking in perfect sync, arms and legs moving at the same speed, despite their difference in height. Logically Cas knew it was a side effect of their close upbringing, although he often wondered if it was also an aspect of his Father's involvement in their lives. Dean told him that God had once described him and Sam as a firewall between good and evil. Perhaps it had been his Father's will that the brothers were so close. It may have been the only compensation Chuck had chosen to give the two of them in their dangerous and dark lives. Regardless, Cas felt awed and grateful to be called family by these amazing men. A glance to his right reminded Cas that he had even more for which to be grateful.

It had only been about a month since he had been stabbed with the Lance of Michael by Ramiel. The memory of that terror and agony was tempered only by the remembrance of the affection and care the Winchesters had shown him. Mary had saved him from the final blow, then taken him to that barn and tried to care for his wound. Sam and Dean had called him family and stayed, risking their lives to protect and comfort him. They had stood against a Prince of Hell for him. He knew he was unworthy of that devotion, but he would forever be grateful. The Winchesters had taught him how to love and he was glad that, in what he thought were going to be his final moments, he had told them how he felt about them.

Cas was so lost in thought that he almost didn't respond in time when Mary stumbled over a tree root. He was able to grab her uninjured arm at the last second to keep her from falling.

"Sorry. Thanks, I'm okay now." She regained her balance and smiled at him, but the warm expression was short lived. "Wait, didn't we already pass that rock?" Mary pointed at an uneven moss covered boulder that jutted out from the ground like the prow of a ship breaking through a wave. Cas looked carefully at the rock, but honestly couldn't be sure. Ahead of them, Sam and Dean noticed that they had stopped and came back towards them, their flashlights breaking up the darkness.

"Hey, everything okay?," Sam asked while Dean probed the surrounding trees with his light.

"I'm pretty sure we've passed that rock before." Mary gestured towards the boulder and the brothers turned to look, matching frowns on their faces. Dean took a step closer to examine the jagged rock, but Sam slipped a compass out of his jacket pocket. The four stood in the darkness of the trees while Sam studied the small device.

"This makes no sense," he muttered half to himself.

"What doesn't?," said Dean, leaning over to see the compass for himself.

"The needle isn't moving." Sam tapped the compass gently with a free finger, but was obviously unhappy with the results. He passed the device to Dean who also tapped it and swung his arm in a wide arc.

"What the hell could do that," Dean asked, tension in his voice. Cas was well aware that Dean didn't like the unexpected. That's when he realized that he had news of his own to share.

"Dean, I'm sensing something. Something strong..." All eyes snapped to Cas' face as he struggled to find words to describe what he could feel. There was a being, radiating powerful energy somewhere nearby, of that he was sure, but it was unlike anything he'd felt before. All three Winchesters had instinctively moved into a tight circle, back to back. They scanned the trees, but one by one their flashlights winked out leaving the four hunters in the pitch-black.

"Cas, what's going on?," Sam whispered urgently. Before Cas could answer a tiny ball of light drifted through the forest to where the four hunters stood. Dean's gun appeared in his hand even as he and Sam spread out slightly to flank the small group. Mary too pulled out a knife and dropped into a fighting stance, but Cas merely took a step forward and peered into the blazing ball. There was something about this unnatural light that puzzled him. He could sense that this was a being that was extremely old. The light almost sizzled with an immense energy, dangerous, but without a feeling of malevolence. It felt familiar somehow, even though he knew he'd never seen anything like it before. Mary tugged on his sleeve.

"Careful," she cautioned. Cas was about to relay what he had sensed when the light intensified. The green glow flared brightly and expanded. His human family was forced to shield their eyes so they didn't see the form that materialized within the blaze. After a few seconds the shining dimmed and a woman was standing there. Her eyes were the last to change from a luminescent green that slowly faded to a normal human colour. She smiled at the small group of hunters as the Winchesters stared back, still armed and on alert. With a gesture, she motioned for them to follow and turned to gracefully glide back into the surrounding trees. A kind of residue was left shimmering in the air marking her path through the darkness.

Dean lowered his gun slightly, stunned at the appearance of the woman. She had an otherworldly beauty that was obviously not human. He felt oddly drawn to the strange creature and that made him uncomfortable.

"What the hell was that?" He shot Sam a look. His brother had curiosity all over his face as he stared after the woman. It took a moment for Sam to answer. He shrugged with a frown.

"No idea. Cas?" All eyes turned towards the angel, the only one of their group who didn't have a weapon ready.

"I'm not sure, but I don't sense any danger. She wants us to follow her." And with that Cas strode confidently into the trees following the strange shimmer. Dean made an abortive grab at his coat, but Cas was too quick. Sam gave him a wan smile and his mother sighed and sheathed her knife.

"C'mon, I guess we better make sure he doesn't get into trouble." With a quick glance at them, Mom cautiously made her way towards where Cas had disappeared into the forest.

"Son of a bitch," Dean said softly under his breath. He nodded that Sam should follow Mom and then he brought up the rear. This had bad idea written all over it. Over the years, he and Sam had come across benevolent monsters before, but Dean wasn't going to drop his guard just on Cas' say so.

A shimmering light, like glitter tossed into the wind, marked the path that the woman had taken. It provided minimal illumination, just enough that they could avoid banging into tree branches in the dark. Dean tried turning on his flashlight, but whatever the woman had done, it still wasn't working. With Sam's broad back in front of him, Dean couldn't really see where they were going. After a few minutes of walking he followed Sam into an open clearing.

Although there was nothing around but trees. Their leaves were almost fully developed despite it being early in the Spring. Dean noted that the clearing was a perfect circle, as if man-made. There was a massive oak tree directly across the circle, it's leaves rustling softly. The moonlight seemed exceptionally bright here, especially after the darkness in the forest and the air shimmered slightly like the path they had followed. The glowing woman wore a sleeveless dress of some kind of gauzy fabric in shades of green and brown. She stood barefoot and motionless in the exact middle of the open glade as if she had been waiting on them for a long time. Cas and Mom stood a few feet away and he and Sam joined them. Dean stowed his gun. A feeling of ancient calm seemed to engulf the glade, but it did little to make Dean feel comfortable. The mysterious woman began to speak.


	3. Aoife's Daughter

"Thank you all for ridding my forest of that evil beast. I am in your debt." The woman's voice was deeper than Dean expected, warm, resonant and rich. She bowed shallowly at their small group.

"You are most welcome," Cas said formally, "But who are you and why have you brought us here?" The angel seemed completely unperturbed by the woman or the strange circumstances, merely curious.

"Castiel, Mary, Sam and Dean," the woman said slowly in greeting, nodding at them in each in turn. Her tone was dignified but friendly. Dean didn't like that she knew their names, it made him nervous, but he kept silent. He could feel her power and the tell tale signs of magic from across the clearing. He could practically taste it in air. Should she choose to, Dean had no doubt that she could kill them all with little effort.

"I brought you to my home because I wish to show you my gratitude." Farryn swept her hand in an elegant motion and the outline of a circle appeared at the edge of the glade. Although it was no more than a glimmering outline on the ground, Dean suddenly had the impression of a vast throne room and of other structure invisible to the human eye. The vision faded quickly, leaving only the ring of trees surrounding the glade and the glowing circle, but the brief glimpse had been impressive.

"You're a fairy," Sam blurted quietly. Cas turned in Sam's direction slightly, a frown on his face.

"No, she's an angel," Cas said.

"Actually I am both," the woman said with a hint of amusement in her voice.

"How is that possible?," asked Cas intently. "I have never heard of an angel fairy hybrid." When she spoke again, Dean could feel her words in addition to hearing them. The magic was so thick in this place that it seemed to press up against his skin. He would feel a lot better with a weapon in his hand. Pulling his gun seemed like a stupid idea so he had to satisfy himself by rubbing his palm along the seam of the leg of his jeans. A quick glance at Mom showed that she was as uneasy as he was.

"You are very young angel, there is much you do not know. My father was Barachiel, prince of Heaven, chief of your order. My mother was Aoife, a warrior queen of Faeire. I am the only one of my kind, so I chose this place as my home when the world was new. I grew this forest to protect my glade and my tree." With a loving smile, she turned to look at the great oak. It's leaves rippled as if waving hello and she turned back to them with an unnatural calm. Cas seem shocked by her pronouncement, but Sam took half a step forward and then bowed awkwardly.

"We are honoured that you have, uh, shared your home with us." Dean could almost see Sam's big brain filtering through everything he knew about fairies and angels in an attempt to get them out of this dangerous situation.

"Thank you Sam Winchester," she said with a regal nod. "Tonight you and your companions performed a great service by destroying the creature that was polluting my forest with its evil. I wish to show my gratitude with a gift." Despite the cool night, Dean felt a trickle of sweat slide between his shoulder blades. He couldn't remember very much about fairies, despite having had a close encounter a few years back. But he did remember that gifts were a double edged sword with the fey folk. He didn't think that his worry showed on his face, but she turned to him as if she had read his thoughts.

"Worry not, Dean Winchester. To alleviate your concerns, I shall give my first gift." She drew up to her considerable height. "I gift you with my name. As you know names are powerful and by gifting you with mine, you can be sure that I mean no harm to any of you. I am Farryn Greyweb." As the woman said her name, a bell-like sound seemed to echo across the clearing and a force seemed to ripple across the clearing making the hair on Dean's arms stand on end.

"You truly honour us with your name, Farryn Greyweb," Sam said humbly, bowing again toward their host. Leave it to his brother to place peacemaker, but it seemed to work as the air no longer crackled with energy and Farryn seemed pleased with Sam's gesture. Cas also bowed and Dean felt it prudent to at least dip his head in her direction. Farryn turned towards Mom.

"Mary, you are only recently returned to this world." It wasn't a question, but Mom cautiously nodded anyway.

"My gift to you is to give you time with a person of your choice who is in Heaven." Mom seemed startled enough to ask a question.

"I, uh, I don't understand what you mean." Dean could see Mom's hands tightly fisted around the hem of her jacket.

"My nature provides me with a unique ability. I can bring forth a soul from Heaven to this glade so that you may interact with that person." Lady Farryn waved her hand again and a large glowing sigil formed underneath their feet. The sigil was large, encompassing all of them, and it was extremely intricate, each whirl and symbol seemingly made of the same shimmering light that had guided them to the glade and hung like fireflies in the air. Dean inched towards the edge of the sigil, and he could feel invisible energy hum by his elbow, forming a barrier. He didn't know exactly what was going on, but he figured they weren't leaving here until they had receive their gifts. Forcing his attention away from the ring surrounding them, Dean caught the last of Mom's question.

"And it will really be my husband John?" A hopefully note had crept into her voice and Dean cursed internally. It hadn't been so long ago that Mom had considered killing herself, albeit to save him and Sam, but seeing Dad might only make her more eager to go back to Heaven.

"Yes," Farryn replied with her unsettling calm. "I can bring the soul of John Winchester to this glade and you will be able to interact with him as if he were still alive. You will only have a quarter of an hour with him, and you may not leave the circle. Is that your choice?" The part-angel, part-fairy's words had a ring of finality to them. Dean tried to catch his mother's eye to warn her to be careful, but Cas drew her attention first.

"Mary," Cas said in his most gravelly voice casting a troubled look at Farryn. "Before you decide, you have to understand that the John Winchester who shared your heaven is only a simulation, just as the child versions of Dean and Sam were not their real souls. Your husband's true soul lived for 23 more years before he died. He is in his own Heaven."

Although a number of emotions crossed her face, Dean had no idea how to read them. He was glad that Cas was trying to look out for their Mom, but thinking about seeing his Dad again was a heavy idea. Dad had died for him and that fact was something he still struggled with. He found himself holding his breath until Mom turned to their solemn host and began to speak.

"Is Castiel right, my Lady?" Mom asked simply.

"Yes, it is the true soul of your husband that I can bring forth should you choose." Farryn answered.

"So it will really be John, correct?

"Yes," said the fairy/angel woman succinctly. Mom took a deep breath and squared her shoulders.

"Then yes, I accept your gift and I choose to see my husband, John Winchester." The formal words, though no louder than Mom's usual speaking voice seemed to hang in the air for a moment, like a rung bell. Then Farryn gracefully bent and touched the exact centre of the sigil, leaving a glowing fingerprint. Then she glided back towards the huge oak, and standing before it, made a complicated motion with her hands. The tiny finger mark blazed to life, shot upward and grew in intensity until the light was almost painful. Dean wanted to see what would happen, but he was forced to close and shield his eyes. Then, just when the brilliance seemed to much to bear, with a final pulse, the light disappeared.


	4. Dad

Sam had been wracking his brain to remember everything he'd ever read about fairy magic, so frankly he hadn't been paying complete attention to what his Mom and Cas had been saying. From what he had remembered, a fairy of Farryn's pedigree was more than capable of moving souls from one world to another, and presumably her angel heritage allowed Heaven to function like any other world. He had tuned back into the conversation just in time to hear Mom ask to see Dad. At the flare of light, he'd instinctively covered his face and turned away before his vision was overwhelmed, so his eyes adjusted almost instantly as he turned back to the circle. Sam was unable to contain a shocked gasp.

Standing in the circle was Dad. He didn't look like the the gruff 52 year old who had died in that hospital, or the 24 year old Sam remembered from when he and Dean travelled back to 1978. Still, even in profile, this was undeniably John Winchester, but it was a version of his father that Sam remembered from when he was a kid. It was Dad before Sam knew what he really did for a living, when monsters were just stories and Dad would smile and laugh and give him affection every once in a while. In front of him, Dad was clean shaven and looked rested. Standing motionless, he seemed lighter in some way, as if he had put down a heavy burden. Everyone in the magic glade was completely transfixed as Dad looked around. His eyes found Mom first.

"Mary?," Dad breathed in awe and disbelief.

"John!" Mom stepped forward and with a shaking hand reached out to touch his face. As her fingers touched his skin, Dad inhaled sharply. Even from where he stood, Sam could see the tears in his mother's eyes. Dad reached back with a tentative hand, and swept a stray lock behind her ear. Then he slid his fingers back, and cradled Mom's head as she looked up at him. They stared into each other's eyes for a long moment and Sam felt like he was witnessing something wonderful and sacred. Part of him was mesmerized. He had no memories of his parents together and it was like seeing them in a whole new light. Another part of him felt like a voyeur and he wanted to turn away and given them some privacy. Dean must have felt the same because he tugged on the sleeve of Cas' coat and moved the two of them away from Mom and Dad and closer to where Sam stood.

Looking back at his parents, Sam watched as Dad pulled Mom into his arms. Dad's eyes were tightly closed as he buried his face in her blonde hair, arms wrapped around Mom tightly. Sam had forgotten how big his father was. He wasn't quite as tall as Sam, but he was broad shouldered and solid, making Mom look small. Dad took a shuddery breath, and Sam could see Mom's hands fisted in Dad's denim shirt. After a few moments, Dad pushed Mom away gently. They were both crying, but smiling, still focused only on each other. Dad's large hand cupped her cheek and he wiped away her tears with his thumb. Then he leaned in and kissed his wife with a desperate intensity. At that, Sam did turn away from the intimate moment. Instead he tried to catch Dean's eye, but Dean purposely avoided looking at him, and Sam was unsurprised to see a tear slide down his brother's face before he ducked his head.

xxxxxx

"Mary…" John began, struggling to process being with his long, lost wife after so long. "Where am I? How are you here?" Mary was so beautiful, almost luminous in the glimmering half light. She looked a little different than how he remembered her. Her glorious long blonde hair was shorter now and she seemed tired and stressed even as she smiled up at him. John couldn't bring himself to look away from her, frightened that if he did, that she would disappear like a dream. Her hand pressed against his chest was the only thing that convinced him that she was really here with him, and not a figment of his imagination.

"John, I'm alive again." She shook her head and glanced over his shoulder before continuing. "It's complicated, but I was brought back about a year ago." He had so many questions. A minute ago, he had been sitting in his armchair in the house in Lawrence, watching as she played with their boys. He knew that he was dead, and that the family around him was not truly real, but he could easily forget and just enjoy the life he and his sons should have had. She leaned even closer and he could smell the faint floral scent of her shampoo. This version of Mary was so solid, so vivid, that there was no denying that it was her and the heavenly facsimile he had known paled in comparison.

Mary had the same determined look on her face that he remembered from long ago. With one hand, he gently held her wrist, keeping her palm against his chest. He rubbed her arm with his other hand as she looked up at him, eyes welling up again.

"I'm so sorry, John. The deal I made...everything you and our boys went through….it was my fault." Mary hung her head in shame.

John had known since he woken up in her arms that night, that the events of how Mary's parents had died were odd, but it took years after her own death before he put together what had happened. He'd forgiven her long ago, in fact when he made his own deal to save Dean, he had thought about that night. When you loved someone so much, it was impossible to just let them die when you could save them. He gripped her chin gently and tilted her face up towards his own again.

"I know that you did it for me, Mary. I understand. Nothing you could ever do could make me love you less." He bent his head and kissed her again softly.

When he broke the kiss, he pulled her to him again. Out of the corner of his eye he caught movement and, tucking Mary behind him, turned to see his sons. His heart swelled with love and pride. His boys were alive! And Mary had a chance to meet and know them. He could only imagine what that would mean to them, especially Dean. His eldest straightened and smiled at him.

"Hey Dad," Dean said almost shyly.

John couldn't resist. He opened his arms and moved towards Dean. Pulling Dean into a tight hug, he felt his eyes fill with tears again. A shudder went through his son and John stroked his hair, squeezing the back of Dean's neck. After a moment, he held Dean at arms length. His boy looked the same in many ways, but older as if the years weighed heavily on him. Dean's smile was different, warm and full and currently a bit wobbly with emotion, but not the same smart ass grin it used to be. He had a maturity that John had only seen glimpses of in the 27 year old he had left behind.

"Dean." John wanted to say more, to tell him so much, but his voice broke and he could only squeeze Dean's shoulder as he tried to compose himself enough to talk.

"It's good to see you again, Dad." Dean's voice was thick. "What you did...I..." John knew that Dean was referring to his deal with Azazel. Dean couldn't talk and swallowed hard sweeping the tears out of his eyes with his fingers. "I tried, Dad," he croaked with emotion, but John just tugged him in for another hug.

"I know," He said, not sure what he was agreeing with, but bursting with pride for the man Dean had become. Dean sniffed and gave him a final squeeze before pulling away to make room for his brother.

Sam stepped in front of John, a sad smile on his face. John was shocked at the changes in his kid. It was more than the hair and the muscles, it wasn't even the confident way he held himself that told him how much Sammy had changed. His boy had grown into a man. He could see in Sam's eyes that the years had not been kind. Sam seemed…tired, heartworn, haunted by memories. It reminded John of some of the guys he'd known in Vietnam. He had no idea what could have caused Sammy to look like that, but he reached out and carefully drew Sam into his arms, overwhelmed with the urge to comfort his son. With a choked off sob, Sam folded against him like he had as a child. He rubbed Sam's broad back and held him close, hoping his embrace could communicate to Sam how much he loved him. Feeling Mary and Dean close by he opened his arm and invited them both into the hug, holding his entire family close to his heart.

They stayed tangled up in each other until Sam began to move away, breaking the moment. Sammy chuffed a laugh and wiped tears off his face with his sleeve.

"Hi Dad," he said with a watery smile. Dean still had his hand on Sam's back and John was heartened to know that whatever his sons had been through, they still had each other.

"Hey Sam. It's so good to see you, son." John wished he knew exactly what had aged his little boys so much, but perhaps there was no point in dredging up the past. Whatever had happened, Sam and Dean were alive and well. He couldn't ask for more at this point.

A few steps away, a dark haired man shuffled awkwardly. John shot the stranger a wary glance. Dean caught the look and spoke up.

"Uh, Dad. This is our friend Cas." The trenchcoat wearing man extended his hand formally and John shook it, still puzzled. Mary had wormed her way under his arm again and was pressed up against him.

"Castiel is an Angel," Mary said with a spark of amusement in her voice. "And, he's practically part of the family."

"It is nice to meet you, John Winchester. I have heard a lot about you from Dean and Sam." Cas had a voice like gravel, but a pleasant smile and a forthright look. If you'd told him when he was alive that he'd be talking to an actual angel, John would have told you that you were a liar, but being dead, John was more open minded. After all he had been in Heaven himself until a few minutes ago. He'd never actually seen any angels, but he figured the heavenly host would be more robes and fluffy wings. He had to ask.

"Shouldn't you be in Heaven?" He saw Dean frown and Sam shift uncomfortably, but the angel didn't look concerned at his question.

"Technically I am a fallen angel, so I am not currently welcome in Heaven." This was said with a formal matter of factness that John found disconcerting. "Please don't let me interrupt your time with your family. I appreciate your interest in me, but your time here is growing short," Castiel said. Those words caused John to turn back to his sons. There was so much he wanted to know, so much that he wanted to say. It's funny how being dead gave you perspective on your life. He reached out and put a hand on Sam's face, his stubble rough and scratchy underneath his palm. Funny, the last time they'd been together, Sammy barely had to shave everyday. John shook his head, there was so much he would do differently if he could do it over. Sam just looked at him, putting his own hand over John's.

"Sam, when you were a kid…" John choked down a lump in his throat so that he could continue. "I was so scared for you, for what your future might hold. I wanted,...I wanted to keep you safe. And then when you went to college..." He couldn't continue.

"I know Dad," Sam said, with compassion in his expressive eyes. John just shook his head, tears welling up again.

"I saw how hard you worked, how smart you are, but I never told you how proud I was of you or how much I love you. So I'm saying it now." John bit back a sob and he heard Mary sniff beside him. He patted Sam's face and pushed his hair back behind his ear affectionately before turning to Dean. He could feel a faint pull deep in his gut, and somehow he knew that he'd soon be yanked back to Heaven. Dean's face was wet with tears and John marveled fondly at his son.

"Dean, you deserved a childhood, and a home...I took that from you. I put you through so much. I should have done things differently but..."

"No, Dad. I understand." Dean cut him off and smiled at him and Mary. "The past is the past. I'm just happy that we got to see you again." His boy clapped a hand on John's shoulder, his green eyes sparkling. John felt decades of guilt slide away and he could only nod,

"Thank you, son. I know I didn't say it enough when you were growing up, but I love you." There was more John wanted to say, but that was all he could push past the emotions that were choking him. The pull of heaven had grown stronger and John knew that he only had a few more moments. Turning back to Mary, John wiped a tear from her cheek.

"I'm so glad you've got this chance to know our sons." And with that he kissed her again. The insistent tug on his soul grew stronger and he could sense a faint glow starting to form around his body. With a final stroke of his arm, Mary moved away toward their boys and Sam wrapped a long arm around her shoulders. Dean, Sam, Mary and their angel friend began to be obscured by the light that was surrounding him. John smiled at his family and felt an overwhelming sense of peace as they faded from view.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AN: I actually wrote this and posted it on Fanfiction.net back in mid-January 2019, long before the events of "Lebanon." I'm tickled pink that I seem to have captured some of the same vibe as the official show writers.


	5. Bobby

The bright light flared and Dad was gone. Dean scrubbed his wet face on the shoulder of his jacket, feeling a bit embarrassed by his display of emotion. Sam's hair was hiding his face, but he was holding Mom who had given up all attempt at composure and was crying into his shirt. It reminded Dean of something Bobby had said when his wife Karen had come back from the dead. There was no doubt how overjoyed Bobby had been to see her, but when she was gone - again, he had been devastated. He'd said that seeing her for those few days had made his grief a thousand times worse. Dean wondered if their Mom was going to feel like that. He hoped not.

Although he hadn't seen her leave, Farryn seemed to appear out of thin air in the centre of the sigil. Cas took a step closer to him and Dean was glad to know his friend had his back. The power of the fairy/angel woman made Dean edgy. She turned to him and spoke.

"Dean Winchester, who do you wish for me to summon?" Her smile did little to ease his anxiety, but having just thought about Bobby, Dean had a sudden urge to see the old man. Sam had seen Bobby when he rescued his soul from Hell, and he'd confessed that he'd later communicated with Bobby in Heaven while trying to get the Mark of Cain off of Dean's arm.

But, Dean hadn't actually seen or spoke to Bobby since they'd burnt his old flask, and there had been many times since then that he had longed to hear the gruff old hunter's voice. It had been incredible to see his Dad again after all these years, but if he was being honest, it was Bobby who he missed more in some ways. Bobby had been encouraging, understanding and compassionate in a way that John Winchester had never allowed himself to be. Whatever Dean had needed; research, backup, wise words, someone to keep an eye on Sammy, or hell, even a kick in the ass...Bobby was always willing to give it.

Farryn was waiting, patient, but with an unyielding, authoritative presence that made Dean stand up straighter. He squared his shoulders and remembered his mother's words as he answered the fairy in his most serious tone.

"I accept your gift, and I choose to see my friend, Bobby Singer." In his peripheral vision, he saw Sam pass Mom off to Cas and step close enough that Dean could hear him quietly breathing just behind him. With a nod, Farryn bent over again and placed the glowing fingerprint onto the centre of the sigil. Remembering at the last second, Dean put his hands over his closed eyes as the brilliant light surged one more. Once the light had faded, Dean opened his eyes to see Bobby standing in front of them. He looked exactly the same as Dean remembered, rumpled t-shirt and flannel, a faded trucker cap and boots. The older man crouched down and looked down at the sigil under his feet before he stood and looked around the clearing. When his eyes landed on Dean and Sam, he frowned.

"What the hell mess have you idjits stepped in this time?" Bobby sounded as surly as he remembered, and Dean had to chuckle.

"Hey Bobby," he said with a smile. "Don't worry, we're fine and the world's not ending."

"Well, that'd be a first for you two. So if you don't need me to save your asses, then why are you meddling with fairy magic to pull me out of heaven?" Despite his grumpy words, Dean could tell that Bobby was actually happy to see them.

"What, we need a reason to visit?," Dean joked, feeling his heart swell at seeing Bobby. The old hunter stepped forward and yanked Dean into a hard hug. After a few thumps on Dean's back, he pulled away but left his hand on Dean's cheek. Bobby's gave him a probing look. "How you doing, Dean - really?," he said softly. Dean felt warmed by the concern.

"I'm good," was all he said, but hoped Bobby could read in his expression the truth of his words. Bobby seemed to evaluate Dean's answer, but after a second he nodded, dropped his hand and turned to Sam.

"Sam, it's good to see you again, boy." Bobby spread his arms again waiting for Sam.

"Hey Bobby," Sammy said before bending over for his hug. When they broke apart Bobby held on to Sam's forearms for a long moment as he peered at Sam. His brother gave a brief attempt at a smile before ducking his head. Bobby squeezed his arms one last time but let him go without asking anything.

"Really, we didn't summon you, Bobby," Sam confirmed.

"Yeah, we killed the monster that was in this forest and the fairy/angel lady who lives here did this as a gift. Uh, you've only got 15 minutes before you go back upstairs." Dean felt sheepish , but wanted Bobby to know that his time was short.

Dean could see Bobby processing that for a moment before filing it away in his bear trap of a brain. Then the old man's face creased in a broad smile.

"Damn, it's good to see you boys, alive and in one piece. I was worried sick about that Mark of Cain business, but I'm guessing you got it sorted since you're both here and Dean's not a demon." Bobby looked questioningly between him and Sam. Shame squirmed in Dean's gut. He tried to put his time as a black-eyed bastard behind him, but it made him feel self-conscious and guilty whenever it came up. His brother cleared his throat.

"Uh, yeah, about that. I hope you didn't get in trouble for helping with that jailbreak." Sam looked concerned and Dean made a mental note to get the whole story from him during the drive home. Bobby took off his battered cap and rubbed a calloused hand over his thinning hair before putting it back on his head.

"Well..." Dean got the impression that Bobby was trying to be diplomatic. "The angels were pretty ticked off about it, and they put me in lockdown for a while. I don't think they were too sure what to do with me. It was all pretty boring until Ash came and sprung me. Then I guess they figured I wasn't worth the trouble and they let me get back to my little slice of paradise. Mostly they seemed determined to blame Cas." With that Bobby looked around for the angel and spotted Cas and Mom. Cas stepped forward, the figure of dejection and self blame, with hunched shoulders and his familiar hangdog expression.

"It is good to see you Bobby. I'm so sorry that you were punished." Cas seemed about to say something else, but just then old hunter pulled the angel into a hug.

"C'mere ya damn fool." At first Cas seemed too stunned to move, but then the angel lifted his arms to return the hug. With a final pat on the back, Bobby withdrew. "Now don't ya dare apologize. I don't blame you one bit. From what I understand, you and Sam were desperate to get that blasted Mark offa Dean's arm."

Dean felt a flush of heat on his face, as he forced himself to resist the urge to rub that spot on his arm. The whole Mark of Cain fiasco still made him embarrassed and uncomfortable although he was touched that even after he died, Bobby still cared and had been looking out for him. This conversation seemed to be bringing up the parts of his life he'd was most ashamed of. He'd rather not dig too deep into these topics, especially in front of Mom. Dean looked over at his mother.

Mom had recovered from her little breakdown and had been standing off to the side with Cas, obviously curious but respectful of the emotional reunion she was witnessing. She would have no idea who Bobby was or their long shared history. Bobby had of course spotted the fourth member of their little group, but was waiting for Dean to make the introductions.

"Hey Bobby, there's someone I want you to meet." Dean gestured to Mom who moved closer. "Bobby, this is Mary Winchester, our Mom." Dean could almost see the gears working as the older man struggled to put the pieces together, so he took pity on the guy. "She uh, was brought back to life about a year ago." Whipping his hat off again, Bobby stuck out a calloused hand.

"So nice to finally meet you Mrs. Winchester. I've heard good things." Mom smiled at that and griped Bobby's hand firmly.

"Please, call me Mary. I've read about you in John's journal, so it's nice to put a face to the name." Mom was gracious, but Dean saw a swift flash of alarm cross Bobby's face. He was probably wondering exactly what Dad had written about him. Dean knew Dad's journal backwards and forwards, and it wasn't a lot really. Most of it related to hunting and lore that Bobby had taught Dad over the years, but there were a few entries that made it clear that Bobby was more than just a casual friend to the Winchesters.

"Mary." Bobby acknowledged. He pulled back his hand and shot a concerned look at Dean and Sam. "Wow...it must have been a bit of a shock for y'all." Dean rolled his eyes, but it was Mom that answered him.

"Yes, it's been….an adjustment to say the least." Mom twisted her hands together, but took a deep breath and squared her shoulders. "So, I understand that you knew Sam and Dean when they were little?" Mom asked with an eagerness that kind of surprised Dean. He didn't realize that Mom was curious about that part of their lives. All she had to do was ask if she wanted to know. Bobby laughed and slapped his cap against his leg before putting it back on.

"Yeah, I've been looking after these two since Sam was only knee high to a grasshopper." Sam chuckled softly at Dean's side.

"We called him Uncle Bobby back then," Sam said fondly. Mom looked back at Bobby, obviously hoping for more.

"Yeah, the first time John dropped the boys off, Dean was only about 6 or so. It was the dead of winter, and I get this knock on my door." Bobby was telling the story of how they met with an enthusiasm that reminded Dean just how much he had missed the older man. He thought of all the times growing up, and as an adult, that Bobby had been there for him. Times when dealing with Dad's expectations had just been too much. When he was worried to death about Sam. When it felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders - he always knew Bobby would do anything he could to help. Other than Sam, Bobby was the only person that Dean knew, without a single doubt, loved him. Damn, that sounded sappy as hell, even in his head. Still, he felt his eyes get damp, so he swallowed down his feelings and focused back on the story Bobby was telling to his rapt audience.

"Yup," Bobby said laughing harder. "Thankfully, I was able to scrub the last of the spaghetti sauce out of Sam's hair before John got back." Dean looked at his family. Mom was laughing, Sam was blushing a little, but watching Bobby earnestly, even Cas had a bemused smile. Another wave of emotion hit Dean and he cleared his throat as the chuckles died down.

"Look Bobby...I never got the chance to say thank you. If it wasn't for you, Sam and I wouldn't be here right now. I just...uh, we've really missed you." In his peripheral vision, Dean could see Sammy nodding in agreement. Abruptly, Bobby lightly cuffed the back of his head.

"Ya idjit. You don't need to thank family, boy." Dean was moved, even as he had to grin at the scolding. "Look, I never was much for getting sentimental, but seeing as I'm dead and all, I figure I got a right." Bobby looked up at him and Sam. "You boys are the best thing to ever happen to me. I'm so proud of you both." Bobby's voice caught and he was forced to stop.

Mom took Bobby's collar and tugged his head down before sweetly kissing his stubbled cheek. "Castiel told me that you were a second father to Dean and Sam. Thank you for taking care of my sons when I couldn't." Bobby looked a little shocked but very affected by Mom's heartfelt words.

Dean shared a glance with Sam who just shrugged. There was no telling what Cas had told Mom. Bobby put a hand on his stomach, and Dean noticed a faint glow begin to form around him. Their time was growing short. Their old friend shot a glance at Mom and tipped the brim of his trucker cap.

"I think my visit's about to end, but it was a real pleasure to meet you, Mary." Mom smiled back and Bobby turned to Cas.

"You keep an eye on these two, Cas. See if you can keep 'em outta trouble for more than five minutes." Cas seemed to take the order to heart and he straightened to attention.

"I will," Cas rumbled with a solemn nod. Bobby's expression grew sober as the light surrounding him grew stronger, coalescing around Bobby almost like a fog. He looked at them both and spoke quickly.

"Dean, Sam…listen, I don't know what's been happening lately. But I do know this - you two boys work best when you work together. You're the greatest damn hunters I ever knew. And you turned into damn fine men." The glow grew stronger. "I don't want to see either of you again until your old and grey, Okay? You take care of yourselves."

"We will Bobby," Dean said, emotion welling up again as he said yet another goodbye to the old hunter.

And with that the light flared, forcing them all to turn away and cover their eyes. When Dean looked back, the clearing was empty again except for Lady Farryn who once again was standing in the centre of the sigil.

Despite the emotions that still churned near the surface, threatening to break through his composure, Dean felt a weight lifted. The fact that Bobby was proud of them meant the world. Seeing Bobby had been wonderful, but he felt his loss more keenly than ever. He looked over to see how Sam was processing all this and was surprised to see his brother's brow furrowed. Sam was worried about something, so Dean moved closer. Before he could ask was was on his brother's mind, Farryn spoke.


	6. Jimmy

"Castiel, Angel of the Lord, you too have earned my gift," said Farryn. "But, I remind you that my reach does not extend beyond Heaven, so I can only bring forth the soul of a human." The fairy seemed almost embarrassed by this, but when she drew herself to her full height, the air once again crackled with latent power. "Castiel, who do you wish for me to summon?"

Sam was curious as to who Cas might pick. The angel didn't have a lot of friends except for him, Dean and Mom. But then again, Cas had existed for millennia. It was possible there were people in his distant past who he would want to see again. Cas tugged on his trench coat and squared his shoulders.

"I accept your gift and I choose to see James Novak," Cas said in a firm voice, reminding Sam of how formal the angel was when they first met. Beside him, Sam heard Dean's sharp inhale. Mom of course, had no idea who Jimmy was, but she seemed interested based on Dean's reaction.

Farryn once again placed her finger to the sigil and Sam closed his eyes and turned away until the flare of light died. When he turned back Jimmy Novak was standing within the circle. Dressed in jeans and a sweater, he looked like the mild mannered salesman he had been before Castiel came into his life. Jimmy had a look of confusion and fear on his face as he spun around and spotted Cas.

"Hello Jimmy," the angel rumbled at his doppelganger.

"Castiel", gasped Jimmy. "Where am I? What's happening?" Obviously nervous, Jimmy took a step back even as Cas spread his hands in a non-threatening gesture.

"You are temporarily visiting earth. Don't worry, you will return to Heaven in a few minutes." Cas explained, obviously eager to soothe the man who provided his vessel so long ago. Jimmy remained wary. Sam was behind him, out of sight for now, but the dead man saw of Dean and Mom.

"Why am I here?," he said. Mom smiled and nodded a greeting in a reassuring way even though she was obviously confused at the mirror image of Cas in front of her. Dean said nothing, but Sam knew he too was finding seeing both Cas and Jimmy together a little freaky - like a set of identical twins. Mom was quiet, but moved a little closer to Cas.

"I uh…" Cas seemed uncomfortable, but determined. He shuffled his feet a bit as he searched for words. "I just wanted to say thank you." Sam could hear the sincerity in the angel's voice, but Cas' earnest words seemed to irritate Jimmy and the man's expression clouded over.

"Thank you! Thank you for what? For taking over my body? For destroying my family?" Jimmy said angrily.

"Hey, I don't know who you are, but don't talk to Castiel that way!" Mom spoke up, surprising them all. Cas stopped her defense with a gentle hand on her arm.

"No Mary, Jimmy is right." Cas was a picture of shame, but he straightened and looked at Jimmy. "I never intended for things to turn out the way they did. I'm so very sorry."

"You're sorry? You promised me Castiel! I gave you everything, I gave up my life and my family because you asked me too. You promised that my family would be safe. But I'm dead, my wife is dead and our daughter had to grow up without either of her parents." Jimmy flung his arms out in anger before crossing them in front of him. Sam was a little taken aback at how angry Jimmy was. During the brief time he'd met the man, he had seemed calm and laid back. It had been one of the things that had help him mentally separate the man from the intense and somber angel. At Jimmy's words, Cas hung his head. Sam could appreciate that the dead man had a right to be upset, things certainly hadn't turned out how any of them would have thought, but he hated it when Cas blamed himself.

"I know." The angel's usual gravelly voice was heavy with regret. "I broke my promise to you, but please know that what happened to your family...well it's one of my biggest regrets." Sam as glad to see Mom sweetly put a comforting hand on Cas' shoulder. He knew a bit about how much his friend hurt over what had happened to Jimmy and his family. Sam also knew a lot about regret.

"Jimmy look, I know what happened to you and Amelia sucked." Dean stepped forward as he spoke, drawing Jimmy's attention. "But, Cas has sacrificed himself more than once for us and he's done everything he could to try and keep the world from ending. I know that doesn't make up for everything that happened, but you should cut him some slack. He's a good guy who was just doing the best he could." Sam had to smile at how willing Dean was to protect his family. Perhaps Dean's plea or Cas' sincerity finally touched the man who was his vessel, because Jimmy uncrossed his arms and tucked his hands into the pockets of his sweater. He shrugged and nodded, sighing heavily.

"I know, it's just...it's just not how I thought our lives were going to turn out. At least Claire is safe." Sam and Dean locked eyes and Cas rubbed the back of his neck with one hand. The dead man's spirit seemed to catch wind of the angel's discomfort and his tone grew sharp again.

"Claire is okay, right?" Jimmy looked panicked, his eyes darting between Cas and Dean. Guilt flooded Sam. It was barely a week ago that Claire had been bitten by a werewolf and almost died. She had been with him when it happened, in fact if he hadn't told her that she was acting like a child, she might never have gone off by herself and been attacked in the first place. He pushed his hair back from his face and forced himself to set aside his own feelings in order to reassure Jimmy.

"Yes, Claire is fine," Sam said drawing attention to himself for the first time. Jimmy whirled around to face him and fear flashed across his face. He stumbled backwards in dread.

"You!" Jimmy gasped, obviously terrified. For a moment Sam didn't understand why the man would be so frightened of him, then he remembered Jimmy's last moments alive. It had been a snap of Sam's fingers that had destroyed Jimmy's vessel, killing him instantly. Sure Chuck had rebuilt the vessel when he brought Cas back, but Jimmy's soul had gone to Heaven. Sam retreated, keeping his his hands up, palms out.

"No, no, no...it's okay, I'm not...he's not…." Sam could feel his face flush as he stammered, horrified by the memories, ashamed of his role in Jimmy's death. Dean moved between Sam and Jimmy as if he could protect his brother from the dead man's reaction.

"Hey man, it's okay. It's just Sam." Dean said placatingly. Some of the panic drained from Jimmy's face, but he still eyed Sam warily. Straightening his sweater, Jimmy struggled to compose himself and the pause dragged on, growing awkward. Dean tossed Sam a look over his shoulder and then cleared his throat.

"Uh, you were asking about Claire? She's been staying with our friend Jody since her Mom died. She's been doing...fine..good." As Dean spoke, Sam avoided looking at him or Cas. There was no point in telling Claire's father about her recent close call, or that she was a novice Hunter, whose life was regularly at risk.

Jimmy's shoulders sagged with relief. Dean pulled his phone out of his pocket. At first Sam wondered if his brother was going to try and call Claire. With all the magic pulsating through the clearing, Dean would never get a cell signal. But instead Dean took a moment to thumb through the phone.

"We just saw her. Here, I have a couple of pictures." Dean brought the phone over to Jimmy and Cas joined them. The look of awe and joy on Jimmy's face as he looked at the photos was touching. Sam realized that the last time he had seen his daughter, she had been 12 years old, and now she was an adult. Cas watched Jimmy's reaction intently.

"She's so grown up." Jimmy, mumbled, his voice choked with emotion. "She's so beautiful." He tore his eyes reluctantly from the phone. "Is she happy?" he asked the angel. Cas sighed.

"Claire's uh, she's had a difficult life, but I think...I think she's finding her own way to be happy." Cas struggled with his words, but Sam knew that the angel didn't want to lie to the man who used to be his vessel.

"Look," said Dean, picking up when Cas stopped speaking. "Claire is smart and strong and she has a family who cares about her. Jody treats her like a daughter and all of us keep an eye out for her." Jimmy nodded at that information and seemed to finally relax a little bit. Cas put his hand on the man's arm.

"I swear to you that if Claire ever needs me, I will be there for her." Cas' words were heartfelt. Jimmy tilted his head as if considering Cas' promise, then he stuck out his hand.

"Good," he said simply as he solemnly shook hands with Cas.

The angel introduced Jimmy to Mom and the unlikely pair made pleasant conversation for a few minutes. Cas watched the two talk with a shuttered expression. Sam stayed as far away as the confines of the sigil allowed. No point in disturbing Jimmy with his presence. He wasn't the one who had killed Jimmy, but he still felt responsible. Chalk up one more life that Lucifer had used him to destroy. There was no washing the blood of so many innocents off his hands. Dean kept shooting him looks, but there was nothing his brother could do to fix the past.

A faint glow began to emanate from Jimmy which meant his visit was going to end shortly. Then it hit Sam, it would be his turn next. Lady Ferryn would want him to choose a visitor. Anxiety made Sam's palms damp. He ignored the others as Jimmy said his goodbyes. The man didn't want to be anywhere near him anyway. Mind racing, Sam desperately weighed his options. On one hand it would be and incredibly bad idea to insult the powerful fairy by refusing her gift. God knows what a pissed off fairy/angel could do to them. But on the other hand, there was no one in Heaven that Sam wanted to see.


	7. Regrets

Actually, Sam realized that it wasn't true. There were people in Heaven that he'd like to see, but there was no one in Heaven who would want to see him. He thought of all those who had died because of him. The list of people who he'd cared about but had gotten killed was a long one, but it always started with one name. Jessica.

Sam seldom allowed himself to think much about Jess. For a long time it was because it was too painful and had been too tied up in his lost dreams of normalcy. He had loved her so much. She was beautiful, and special, a truly good person who brought joy he had never imagined into his life. Jess had been everything he had wanted before he understood just how impossible a normal life was for him. Sam knew that Jess was dead because of him. Sure, it hadn't really been his fault. The angels had interfered in his life long before he had any choice in the matter. But the second he began a relationship with her, Sam had unknowingly condemned her to death. Losing her had nearly broken him, and it if hadn't been for Dean, he wouldn't have made it. But almost fourteen years had passed, and although she was a beautiful memory, when he thought about their relationship, it was as if it had happened to someone else.

No, he wouldn't drag her out of Heaven. He had nothing to offer her now. He wasn't the naive 22 year old who gave her his heart anymore. So much had happened since that fated November night back in Stanford. Sam knew just how much he was damaged and scarred. The sum of his many sins, failures and bad choices was immeasurable. There were things he had done that kept him up at night, and things that had been done to him that haunted his nightmares. Better a happy memory of a long lost love then a painful reunion with a ghost. Sam would love Jess for the rest of his life, but he had walled up that part of his heart and found a way to move forward.

As Sam's mind raced, he watched as Jimmy Novak flashed out of the clearing. He forgot to shield his eyes and the intense brightness spotted his vision and made his eyes water, but he ignored it as he struggled with what to do. Farryn stepped toward the centre of the sigil as the light faded.

Sam frantically thought about someone else he could summon. Names sped through his brain. Ellen or Jo - why would they want to see him? They had sacrificed themselves to try and save him from his fate and it had been for nothing. Sarah Blake - no, how could he face her? She had literally died in his arms while he had failed to save her. He couldn't pick Kevin. It had been hard enough facing his ghost. How could Kevin even look at him without seeing the man who had murdered him? And Charlie - her death was also his fault. She had trusted him, gone against her better judgement to help because he had asked her. And she had ended up butchered because of that. Mark or no Mark, the words Dean had said to him as they stood at her pyre had cut deep, but Sam accepted the pain as his due. What he had done was unforgivable, so what could he say to her? Sam rubbed his sweaty palms down his jeans.

Farryn was in the middle of the sigil again and Sam could sense everyone's eyes on him. Sam could feel Dean as his brother drew closer and he took some comfort from Dean's silent presence. The air grew still, and Farryn asked her question.

"Sam Winchester, who do you wish for me to summon?"

Sam took a deep breath, released it, drew to his full height and then bowed to the fairy. He had made his decision, he only hoped it wasn't going to anger the powerful being before him and get them all killed.

"My Lady. You honour me with your offer, but sharing your name with me is gift enough."

Farryn narrowed her eyes in displeasure and a magical wind swept through the glade, lifting his hair from his neck and shaking the leaves of the giant oak. The soft hovering lights dimmed, turning the glade dark. Beside him Dean subtly shifted into a loose combat stance and in his peripheral vision, Sam saw Cas step in front of Mom.

"Are you refusing my gift?" Farryn said, her formal tone sharp and brittle. On instinct Sam bowed again deeply, hoping to signal his regret.

"No Lady Farryn, you honour me beyond measure, it's just….it's just that there is no one in Heaven who would want to see me." Sam kept his eyes on the ground and hoped his contrite admission would be enough to avoid disaster. With a step as light as a doe, the fairy came to him. She reached out her delicate hand and gripped his chin lightly, lifting his face to meet her gaze. Up close Sam realized that she was as tall as he was. Although she seemed as slender as a sapling, he could feel the power emanating from her and her grip was like iron. Farryn peered into his eyes with a frightening gravity. Sam wondered if her angel heritage meant that she could see his soul. The thought the she could see the tattered and soiled thing made him blush. She was mesmerizing, almost too beautiful to comprehend, as he stared back at her, unable to look away. Then, with a gentle smile, she slid her hand to his cheek and cradled it tenderly. The wind died back down and the glade once more sparkled with fairy magic.

"I can see what you cannot Sam. Do not judge yourself so harshly child." She murmured before stepping back. Sam huffed out a breath he didn't realize he had been holding as the world came back into focus. She raised her voice so that it once more filled the glade with a sonorous intensity.

"Sam Winchester, you have refused my gift." Farryn said. "I would punish you for your impertinence, however…" She paused and studied him for a long moment. "However, I am not without compassion. You and your family have done a great service for me and your work is not yet done. Therefore I shall forgive you." She nodded graciously at him, and the supernatural tension in the glade seem to ease. Sam understood how lucky he was. A being as powerful as Farryn Greyweb could have ended all of them with little more than a thought. But the Lady wasn't finished. She cocked her head as if listening to a sound only she could hear, and then she spread her hands in a magnanimous gesture.

"Although you would not have me summon anyone, your words prove to be untrue. There is someone who wishes to see you." And with that the fairy bent and once more touched the ground before disappearing back to her oak.

xxxxxxx

Dean rolled some of the tension out of his shoulders when Farryn let go of Sam's chin. He had been surprised that Sam had refused her gift. Even he knew better than to do that to one of the fairy folk. If she had chosen to punish Sam, there was very little anyone could do about it, but he wasn't about to let his brother face the angel/fairy chick alone. It bothered him that Sam felt so unworthy that he thought no one they'd lost would want to see him. As Farryn bent to place her finger to the sigal, Dean had a gut feeling about who wanted to see Sam. He slammed an arm in front of his face and closed his eyes tightly.

The light faded and Dean opened his eyes. Standing in front of them was Jessica Moore. Being caught off guard, Sam wasn't as quick to cover up, so he was still blinking and rubbing his watering eyes. Jess looked almost the same as Dean remembered her, tall and beautiful with tousled blonde curls and a broad, sweet smile. Barefoot, she was wearing a pale pink dress that hugged every one of her considerable curves. Still, she was frozen forever at 21, and to Dean's eyes she looked impossibly young and innocent. Jess smiled at him briefly, but her body language told him that she was impatiently waiting for Sam's vision to clear so that he could see her.

Dean couldn't help himself, he too focused on Sam's face, not entirely sure what emotion would hit his brother first. As it turned out, it was awe. Struck speechless, Sam could only stare, his eyes wide with wonder.

"Jess?," he breathed reverently. She broke out into a truly radiant smile of welcome and stepped closer to Sam.

"Hey, Baby." She reached up and slid her palm onto Sam's cheek. His eyes closed and he leaned into her touch. For a split second Dean was almost envious of the intense love with which she looked at his brother. Then Sam's face crumpled in regret and denial. He gently pulled her hand away, keeping it engulfed in his larger one.

"Jess, I….I'm so, very, very sorry.." Sam's voice broke, but Jess just tilted her head with a patient smile.

"Shhhh, Sam...stop. Nothing that happened was your fault." Sam shook his head.

"It was...I didn't...I didn't warn you, I wasn't there, I should have…" Sam stopped when Jess put her fingers over his lips. At that he looked up and met her gaze. Sam had that profound sadness in his eyes that brought out every protective instinct in Dean. He remembered that look from the months after the fire. But this wasn't about Dean. He probably should go join Cas and Mom who were watching from a respectful distance, but Dean was pinned like a fly. Unwilling to watch Sam suffer, but unable to do anything to help.

"Sam Winchester, you listen to me." Jessica's words were scolding, but her tone was full of such fondness that it took away any sting. "You did nothing wrong." She took her hand away, but only to rest it on Sam's chest where he still clutched her other hand.

"I met a girl named Charlie in Heaven." At that Sam looked up sharply and Dean held his breath so that he didn't miss what Jess said next. "Charlie came to find me. Apparently she was your friend?" Sam nodded.

"Yeah, Charlie was special...like a sister." Sam confirmed, another flash of sorrow crossing his face.

"Well she told me some of the stuff you've been through since I died. I can't imagine what you've had to deal with, how hard things must have been. But you are a hero Sam," Jess said firmly. Dean saw Sam's jaw tighten like it usually did when he got praise he felt was undeserved.

"I am so proud of you, Baby." And with that Jess stretched up on her toes and kissed Sam. At first the kiss was very chaste, but after a few seconds, Jess freed her hands and ran them up Sam's back to his hair, pulling him closer. Sam stopped resisting and kissed her back, his arms going around her, crushing her against his body. He kissed her like she was air and he was drowning. Dean forced himself to look away, not wanting to intrude. He turned and caught a curious expression on Mom's face. Mom really didn't have any idea who Jessica was. Well, she'd figure it out, it was up to Sam as to how he handled this.

After a few moments, Jess and Sam broke apart slowly. Foreheads still touching, Jess ran her fingers through Sam's hair one last time. She giggle softly.

"I like it," she said, tugging lightly on Sam's long hair until he blushed. Then Jess took Sam's hand in one of hers and turned to face the rest of the group. Sam dragged the back of his other wrist across his face, wiping away the tears, but Dean could see his brother's emotions were still just below the surface. He looked uncomfortable, regret practically etched into his skin.

Across the sigil, Cas cleared his throat and smoothed his jacket while Mom studied her fingernails as if they hadn't just witnessed something intensely private. Dean took pity on his family and jammed a smile onto his face.

"Uh, Jessica, this is our friend Cas." He gestured at the angel who nodded politely. "And this is Mary Winchester, our mother." Mary smiled shyly. Jess looked up at Sam.

"I thought your mother died when you were a baby?," she asked, bewildered. It was Mom who answered.

"I did, but I've recently been….resurrected. It's confusing, I know." Mom's voice was friendly and conversational, but she couldn't quite hide her curiosity.

"Wow, I didn't know that was possible." Jess marveled, but then stepped forward and stuck out her free hand. "It is so nice to meet you!" Mom had to laugh at Jessica's enthusiasm. Dean caught himself smiling at that. It reminded him of the obvious bond the two women had shared in his djinn dream from so many years go.

"So, I take it you and Sam were an item?" Mom asked, obviously trying to make sense of everything.

"Yeah, Jess and I lived together when I was in college," Sam volunteered, his voice rough and thick. Mom beamed at them.

"So how did you two meet?" Mom asked and Jessica launched into the story, even at arms length still keeping her fingers tightly locked with Sam's. Dean took the opportunity to check in with his brother who looked shell shocked. He moved a little closer as Sam watched Jess and Mom talk.

"So, how you doing?," Dean asked quietly. Sam huffed out a noiseless laugh.

"I...I don't…I can't… I don't even know," Sam sighed, dragging his free hand over his head. He turned towards Dean but his eyes were continually drawn back to the two women who were chatting like old friends. "I didn't want to see her, to drag all this up again. It's funny...I had forgotten all the little details, like the exact shade of her eyes, or the sound of her laugh. She's exactly the same but...I'm not." Sam paused, and Dean saw his expression cloud over further. "I've changed so much, why would she...?" He shook his head. Dean hadn't seen Sam this rattled in a long time, but he hated how Sam was so down on himself.

"Sam, the whole thing was out of your hands long before Jessica came along. I've told you before, and I'll tell you again, what happened to her wasn't your fault. It's been years, man. You need to stop blaming yourself." Dean kept his voice low as he tried to get through to Sam. His brother rubbed the crease between his brows, distracted as he watched Jess. Dean could read every emotion crossing his face. Shame, sorrow, nostalgia, denial and determination. He knew this visit was going to badly mess with Sam's head and he kind of wished that Jessica had stayed in Heaven.

"Right, Sam?" Jessica laughed again and looked over her shoulder. She tugged Sam closer, practically glowing.

"Sorry, what?," Sam stuttered and it was Mom's turn to laugh. Jess hugged Sam's arm.

"Jess was telling me about the apartment you two had," Mom offered. Sam had a far away look on his face.

"Yeah, we lived together for 6 months." Sam focused on Jessica even as he spoke to Mom. "I had put a down payment on an engagement ring. I was going to ask her to marry me at Christmas. But she died, and I went with Dean to find Dad." His voice cracked and his words turned the mood somber. He turned towards Jessica.

"Jess, why did you want to see me?" Dean could tell how much Sam didn't want to have this conversation in front of them all, but there was no privacy to be had within the sigil.

Jessica gazed up at Sam with both adoration and despair even as she took both his big hands in her small ones.

"I missed you, Sam. I've been gone such a long time. I wanted to tell you how proud I am of you and I wanted to tell you how much I love you." Jessica's earnest words rang with sincerity, but also with a touch of desperation. Mom sniffed softly and Cas moved towards her to offer some comfort. Dean was glad because his attention, as it had been for most of his life, was on his brother. Sam carefully but pointedly pulled his hands from Jess' grip.

"Jess, you don't know me. You don't know what I've done...the things I've been through. I'm not…." He swallowed roughly. "I've changed, I'm not the same person you fell in love with back at Stanford."

"I know," said Jess quietly, her smile disappearing, eyes never leaving Sam's face. She reached up as if to touch his hair again, but stopped herself before she made contact, dropping her hand sadly. "A part of me is jealous that you got to live and grow and change. And part of me is angry that we lost the life we had planned. I want you to be happy, I really do...I just wish it was with me." She paused and took a deep breath even as studied Sam's face intently. Jess apparently didn't find what she was looking for and tears began to roll down her cheeks. Sam had the same pained expression Dean recognized from when he delivered bad news. "Maybe this was a mistake."

Sam finally met her eyes and his were wet again.

"Yeah, maybe it was. I'm sorry, Jess," Sam whispered, emotion choking him. "I'll never forget you." Sam's lower lip was trembling as he fought to not to break down completely. Dean felt helpless in the face of his brother's pain. This was an injury he couldn't fix.

"I know," said Jessica again. This time she did reach out and pull Sam down. She kissed him lightly and tenderly, her tears marking her dress as they fell. Dean felt his own eyes sting. It killed him to know how much this was hurting Sammy. The kiss ended and Jess rubbed Sam's arm before stepping back. "Goodbye Sam."

Sam inhaled deeply and turned his back to everyone and moved away the few steps the sigil permitted. Dean saw Mom start towards Sam, but Cas kept her back with a hand on her arm. He was glad that Cas knew enough to give Sam a minute to put himself back together. Dean expected the light that telegraphed each visitor's return to Heaven to flare up, but Jess was still there, only a faint glow illuminating her. She reached towards Dean, but didn't touch him.

"Dean," she said seriously. "Thank you."

"For what?" He was surprised that Jess had anything to say to him. After all, he'd only met her once, briefly the night he'd broken into their apartment. He wasn't sure he could forgive her for bringing up this kind of pain for Sammy. It had been hard, but Sam had moved on, apparently Jess hadn't.

"Just for…" her eyes strayed towards Sam. "For everything," Jess said, heartfelt and sincere. The cloud of light began to form around her.

"It was nice to meet you both," she said to Mom and Cas. Then she cast another sad look at Sam's back and smiled at Dean. "Take care of him for me?"

"Always." There was little in life that Dean was sure of anymore, but that would never change, no matter what.

The white light swelled and Jess disappeared.


	8. The Unexpected

Lady Ferryn stepped out of the light that marked Jessica's departure. Standing in the middle of the glade, she made a slow turn and the sigil beneath their feet glowed brightly before fading away completely. Dean was glad to have a little more breathing room, he walked closer towards the edge of the clearing while the fairy addressed the small group.

"It had been a long time since I had visitors to my home." Once again the image of a magnificent throne room ghosted into and out of visibility. "Thank you again for your service, but I am reminded why I choose the solitude of my forest. It is time for me to leave you." And with that she was gone. The sparkles that filled the air became thicker and brighter. Dean could almost feel the fairy lights against his skin. All at once each spark exploded, like a million mini supernovas, then there was nothing but darkness.

xxxxxxx

Dean first became aware of the smell of dirt and leaf mold. Then as his brain came back on line, he realized he was lying face down on the forest floor. He pushed himself to his hands and knees and saw Sam, Mom and Cas lying nearby. Cas was beginning to stir. Dean scrambled to his feet.

"Sam?" He shook his brother's shoulder and felt a surge of relief when Sam turned his head towards him.

"Yeah, I'm good," Sam said as he began to get up. Dean checked on Mom, but Cas was already helping her to her feet. He scanned the clearing and was surprised to see that it looked almost the same, but with some obvious differences. For one the clearing was dark without the sparkles, although Dean estimated that dawn was only a couple of hours away. The clearing was no longer a perfect circle and the ground now had rocks and small scrub scattered around. Even the massive oak was gone, or at least seemed no bigger or more impressive than the neighbouring trees. Checking that his gun was still in his waistband, Dean brushed the dirt from his jacket.

"Well, that was...exciting." His family gathered around him. They all looked a little ruffled by the events that had taken place. Dean figured they were as eager as he was to get the hell out of this forest. "Sam, does your compass work now?" Sam pulled the little device from his pocket and moved it around. Cas held his flashlight so that they all could read it.

"Looks like." He studied the dial for a moment. "The cars should be that way," Sam said as he pointed into the forest. "But I have no idea how far we are from them." Dean shrugged. It's not like they could call a cab, so they'd walk until they got there. He'd just be glad to get back to the comfort of his Baby. He was worried about Sam and knew his brother needed some quiet time to sort out his meet and greet with Jessica.

"Alright, well we'd better get started." He picked up the weapons bag that had been discarded during the encounter with Lady Ferryn and slung it over his shoulder. They hadn't gone more than a few steps towards the edge of the clearing when a voice called from behind them.

"What's up, bitches?"

Dean spun on his heel and drew his gun. Beside him, Sam and Mom had done the same while Cas used his flashlight to illuminate the dark glade. A small figure stood a few feet away. She was wearing a green Christmas sweater with frolicking llamas on it and a giant grin on her face. Dean couldn't believe what his eyes were telling him.

"Charlie?," he gasped. He felt more than saw Sam stiffen beside him. Then his arms were full of petite redhead. Charlie squeezed him around his middle and Dean stuffed his gun away before returning the hug. She stayed in his arms for a long moment, then pulled away.

"Hey Dean," she said laughingly before flinging herself at Sam to hug him too. He met Sam's eyes over top of her head. His brother looked as stunned as he felt, but then closed his eyes and curled around Charlie. When he let her go, he held onto her shoulders.

"Charlie, what….how are you here?," Sam demanded weakly. She laughed again at Sam's wide-eyed disbelief.

"Hey Sam. Don't worry, nothing bad." Turning, Charlie saw Castiel and dashed to him, embracing him firmly. The angel was obviously startled and was slow to bring his arms up to return the hug, but overall he seemed pleased at the display of affection. When Charlie let him go, this time Cas made the introductions.

"Charlie, this is Mary Winchester, Dean and Sam's mother." Charlie gasped and then flung her arms around Mom too and gave her a quick hug before pulling back sheepishly.

"Sorry, it's just that I'm so happy to meet you." Charlie looked at him and Sam over her shoulder for a second. "It's awesomesauce that Sam and Dean get you back. They totally deserve it after everything they've done. You must be so proud of them." Mom looked a little overwhelmed, but smiled at Charlie's enthusiasm.

"I am. It's nice to meet you Charlie," Mom said graciously.

"Charlie?" Dean pulled himself together and echoed Sam's earlier question. "Did Ferryn bring you here?"

"Who, the fairy-slash-angel lady? Hecks no. Ash and I were playing Carcassonne at the Roadhouse when Bobby got back from his visit. And he told us that you guys were here. So Ash booted up his computer. Apparently when the fairy pulled up shop, she left the door open a crack." Charlie looked excited and smug at the same time. "Ash said he could send me here, so I figured, why not pop down to say hi?"

"Wait - you hang out with Ash at the Roadhouse?" Sam had confusion all over his face.

"Well, not all the time. Usually I'm with my Mom and Dad having Christmas. But, even Christmas morning can get boring when you it happens every day. Go figure? But sometimes, I'll swing by, hang out, play some games, have a drink. But enough about me, what's happening with you guys?" She tilted her head and gave Dean a penetrating look. "I'm glad that you're back to your normal self. Last time I saw you, you were a little, uh grrr, argg." She made air quotes around the monster noises.

This time Dean couldn't help himself and he massaged his right arm where the Mark of Cain had been. Last time he'd seen Charlie, he'd just laid a serious beat down on her alter-ego, including breaking her arm. There was no way to apologize for that, and yet the kid had forgiven him when the bruises were still dark on her skin. But, he'd never quite forgiven himself, and then she was dead, trying to save him from himself. He shook his head.

"Yeah, I am too. Charlie...I'm so sorry, for everything. By the time we got to the motel…" The memory of Charlie's bloody body, dumped into that dirty bathtub choked him. The Stynes had butchered her because of him. The redhead put her hands on her hips.

"Dean Winchester! If you think for one second that I blame you for those d-bag Stynes killing me, I'll go all Xena on your ass!" Dean was taken aback by her outburst. Charlie looked so much like a furious kitten that he had to smother a smile. He tossed a look at Sam, but his brother was just staring at Charlie, a combination of misery and guilt on his face. The redhead followed his gaze and then swung to face Sam. "That goes for you too, Sam." Sam just shook his head, denying her absolution.

"It was my fault, Charlie. You only got killed because I dragged you into everything." He was about to say more, but Charlie cut him off.

"No," she said firmly. "I got killed because I ran away. It was kind of my thing, running every time things got too hard. It's what got my parents killed, and it's what ultimately got me killed. But you did everything you could to protect me." Seeing that neither he nor Sam seemed to feel less guilty, she sighed and flung her hands in the air in frustration.

"You Winchester's...always taking on the weight of the world!" Charlie took a hand from both him and Sam, dragging them together in front of her. She looked at them both seriously. "Do I want to be dead? Of course not. But Dean, Sam, you are like brothers to me. I love you both very much." She squeezed their hands and Dean tried to blink away the tears that threatened to well up again. "You've died for each other, right? Well, if I had to die, I'm glad it was to save my family, because you are both worth it." Charlie smiled up at them earnestly.

Dean was floored by Charlie's statement. That this funny, sweet, amazing girl thought of them as family was one thing. He felt that way too. But to think that she loved him enough to lay down her life for him, well, he was never going to feel worthy of that. Beside him, Sam sniffed, wetly and nodded. Dean had to clear his throat so that he could answer.

"Okay," was all he could manage. With a final press, she let got of their hands. Sam turned away again, but this time both Mom and Cas went to him. Dean tugged her to him for another hug. "I love you too, kiddo," he whispered into her hair. When he let her go, she wiped her nose on the sleeve of her sweater and then smacked him with the back of her hand, a big grin on her face.

"So Dean, I'm dying to know. How was the Ghostbusters reboot?"

xxxxxxxx

Sam was perilously close to his breaking point and had to turn away again. Clenching his hands into fists, he desperately fought the wave of emotion that threatened to swamp him and send him to his knees sobbing. It seemed like they had been in this glade for a long time, but really, it had been less than 90 minutes since they had followed Lady Farryn here. Sam felt battered, exhausted and exposed. His emotions were scraped raw and he had cried more in the past hour than he had in the past year. Revisiting his worst failures and biggest regrets was something he usually did in private.

Cas appeared in his peripheral vision. His friend said nothing, just placed a firm hand on his shoulder and squeezed companionably, his face a mask of concern and compassion. Mom was there too, but Sam avoided her eyes not wanting to explain and humiliated by his weakness.

He could hear Charlie and Dean as they talked about movies and even through his heartbreak, he had to smile at how animated and enthusiastic Dean was. Those two had such a special relationship. Charlie always brought out a side of Dean that his brother normally kept carefully hidden. With her, he always seemed looser and happier. Plus Dean was able to indulge his massive passion for pop culture. She was good for Dean.

Sam rubbed his forehead with his fingers and straightened up, shrugging off Cas' hand. He appreciated the gesture, but he needed to push everything down again and find some equilibrium. Later, safe in the seclusion of his room, he would find a way to shut the Pandora's box this hunt had burst open. When he turned back towards Charlie and Dean, he saw his brother's assessing glance. Dean frowned, and Sam felt his cheeks flush. It was embarrassing how easily Dean could read him. Feeling fragile, he forced what he hoped was a pleasant expression on his face. Charlie looped him into the conversation.

"So Sam, Dean tells me that Jurassic World sucked. What did you think?" She beamed up at him, but Sam wondered if she really dropped out of Heaven to discuss movies. Still, he appreciated her ignoring his red eyes and her attempt at keeping the conversation light.

"Uh, the dinosaurs were cool. Shame about the plot though, " said Sam.

"Told ya, Charlie. You didn't miss anything." Dean slapped him on the back and his hand lingered there for a long moment. Sam recognized the silent support for what it was - big brother looking out for him. He heard a soft electronic chime, but before Sam could check his phone Charlie jumped.

"That's my 2 minute warning from Ash." Charlie seemed upset. "I was hoping I'd have more time." She flapped her hands. "Oh, I hate this part." The redhead looked at Mom. "I'm glad I met you Mrs. Winchester - take advantage of this second chance." Charlie clutched Cas' arm. "Castiel, watch out for them. You know how these Winchesters are."

Cas smiled at that and bobbed his head in acknowledgement. With a final rub, she let him go. Sam expected that she'd say goodbye to him next, leaving Dean for the final farewell, but as always she surprised him. Charlie gave Dean another tight hug. "You behave yourself Dean. No more throwing yourself into harm's way," she scolded. Dean huffed out a laugh.

"Uh, have you met me, your highness." Dean looked at her fondly, even when she smacked him again. Then she was in front of him.

"And you Sam, c'mere." Charlie tugged on the collar of his jacket, so he bent down so that she could whisper in his ear. "Sam, you are a good person, and you deserve to be happy." She shook him a little to emphasize her words and then she kissed his cheek before wrapping her arms around him. He held her small frame as tight as he could without hurting her. God how he wished she could stay, but he let her go and the moved a couple of steps away. Her form began to shimmer.

"Peace out, bitches," she said flashing an exaggerated peace sign and a sassy pout. Then, like a mirage, she was gone and the glade was dark and empty again.


	9. The Ties that Bind

Mary stumbled over a tree branch and barely dodged a springy sapling as it slapped back in her direction. She wiped sweat off her forehead with the back of her wrist and blew out a heavy breath. There was no path in this part of the dense forest, so they were forced to weave among the trees and coarse underbrush as they made their way back to where they had parked their cars. Once Charlie had disappeared, Sam had scooped up his gear, checked his compass and then set a blistering pace through the trees. With what seemed like an apologetic grimace, Dean had hurried after this brother leaving Mary and Castiel to bring up the rear.

The angel was right beside her. Despite the way his coat dragged and caught, Castiel didn't seem slowed by the shrubby growth and the whippy young trees. He politely waited for her as she pushed through. It was sweet how Cas was so solicitous, and how he watched out for her. Somehow, when he offered a hand, accepting it didn't feel like a weakness. She had grown very fond of Cas. Imagine - finding it easier to connect with an angel than with her own boys. It made her feel ashamed.

Ever since she'd been brought back, she had struggled to bond with Dean and Sam. She had tried to explain. Part of that struggle was the sadness she felt at losing her babies, the children she could cuddle and kiss. But, a bigger part was her feeling of not knowing who she was. She had dropped back into the very world she had tried so hard to escape, but she didn't want to be a hunter. Her sons didn't need her to mother them. Technically Dean had been hunting for longer than she had. With John and her parents gone, she wasn't a wife, and she wasn't a daughter - so who was she? Life had moved on and changed while she was dead and everything she thought she knew about life and hunting felt off, like a misbuttoned shirt.

Seeing John again had been wonderful. She had missed him so much. In Heaven she had been with him, just a normal wife and mother, happy and safe. Maybe it wasn't strictly real, but it felt real, and it was everything she had always wanted. Having those few minutes tonight with John reminded her of how much she loved him, but now the ache of what she had lost stung more fiercely than ever. The man she kissed tonight wasn't the same as the husband she remembered. Reading his journal, Mary realized how broken John had been after her death. She understood some of why he'd made the choices he had, but much as she loved him, it was hard to forgive him for how he had raised their boys.

Shaking her head at that, Mary straightened up and forced her knees higher as she followed her sons. Dean had caught up to Sam and the two of them with their long legs were having a lot less trouble moving efficiently through the brush. They were a good 200 feet ahead of where Mary struggled. As she stared at their backs, she wondered about their lives after she died.

Thinking about the things Sam and Dean had gone through as children hurt. No mother, no home beyond the Impala, lore and research instead of storybooks, training and hunting...she wanted to know how old Dean was when he first killed, or how Sam learned to shoot. Mary's chest grew tight from more then the effort of scrabbling through the forest. No wonder it was hard to see traces of the children her babies had been in the hardened men they were now. She was curious about what they had been like. Seeing Bobby Singer's obvious affection for her sons had provided some comfort. She had been touched that someone had loved them for the children they were, and the not Hunters they would become. A twig caught in her hair and she paused to untangle it, happy for a chance to catch her breath again. Cas dutifully stopped too. It felt like an opportunity to ask about what was on here mind.

"You've known Sam and Dean for a long time now, right?" Castiel seemed surprised at her question, but he answered it politely.

"Yes, I have spent quite a bit of time with them both for almost 10 years now."

"And do they ever talk about their childhood, what it was like for them growing up?" Mary asked. Surely if anyone knew the Winchester boys it would be their best friend. Castiel cocked his head, thinking before he rumbled his reply.

"They don't often talk about their early lives. From what I understand they had a difficult and frightening upbringing. They travelled constantly and spent a lot of time in seedy motels. Your husband trained them to be excellent hunters from an early age, but they were frequently left alone. Dean sacrificed greatly to take care of his brother, but there were many times they were left without sufficient resources and they went hungry. " Cas seemed genuinely saddened by that, his expression distant. A surge of outrage warmed Mary. The idea of John letting their children suffer, alone and scared infuriated her. She snapped a small branch out of her way with far more force than necessary - a tiny outlet for her fury. Castiel was oblivious to her anger and continued, easily brushing past a clingy sapling as he spoke.

"Of course, they did have occasional guardians like Bobby and Pastor Jim Murphy who cared for them. And because of their future roles in the Apocalypse, Heaven kept watch over them to make sure that they lived to adulthood. But beyond that, the angels did nothing to ameliorate their situation." Now Cas seemed angry as well, his expression darkening briefly. "I don't know exactly what they went through, but I do know that they always had each other. My belief is that the shared hardships of their childhood forged an extremely strong bond between them." Cas smiled at her, and she returned it automatically.

As if they knew they were the topic of conversation, Dean and Sam stood waiting for them up ahead. When they got closer, Sam started forward again, but Dean dropped back to check on Mary.

"Hey Mom, how you doin',?" Dean asked, a flash of guilt in his expression when he saw her red and sweaty face. With a glance between the angel and her son, Cas nodded at her and quickly moved up to walk a few feet behind Sam.

"I'm fine, Dean." Mary felt off kilter, overwhelmed by what she had just learned. And she was oddly peeved that Dean would check up on her, like he was in charge and she was some kind of child. She knew that feeling was irrational, but his casual confidence rubbed her wrong, especially because he seemed so reluctant to tell her much about his past. The terrain grew a little less overgrown with more space between the trees as they walked, so they were able to be side by side. Dean was quiet, their footsteps and the bird song high in the treetops, the only sounds. Mary figured the predawn darkness provided the perfect opportunity to ask Dean some questions. She figured she'd start simple.

"So, Charlie, was she someone…special?," Mary asked pointedly. The redhead had obviously meant a lot to Dean and she was intensely curious. Dean chuckled.

"Charlie was special - but not in that way. I am definitely not her type." The ghost of a grin flitted across his face. "Charlie was a total geek, smart as a whip, and a lot of fun. She kept us on our toes. She was a good person who was like a little sister to me and Sam."

"Oh." Mary thought for a minute. So, not a girlfriend. Even in the short time she'd spent with Dean, she knew he was an incorrigible flirt. There was no way he'd never had a special someone was there? " "When you were little, I always imagined that you would grow up, find a nice girl, give me some grandchildren…” Mary said. Dean made a non-commital noise.

“Hmm,” was all he said. Mary decided to be direct.

"So, uh you never settled down with anyone like Sam did with Jessica?" She could almost see Dean stiffen up. He obviously didn't want to answer and there was a long pause as he chose his words carefully.

"There was someone for a while, but…." Dean seemed sad as he shrugged. "Let's just say that I'm not a settling down kind of guy." Mary was frustrated by his non-answer, so she changed tactics, determined to get something out of her eldest. Dean had shown more emotion, tonight than she had seen since she'd been back and she longed to know more about her son. So she pushed a little.

"“Didn't you ever want that for yourself? A wife, kids?" Dean slid to a stop and turned to face her.

"What's with the questions, Mom?" He seemed angry, with clenched hands and a tension in his shoulders. Mary sighed and pushed her hair off her face. So much for subtle.

"I just feel like I know so little about you boys. Is it wrong to wonder about your lives, especially after tonight? You can tell me, you know. I'm not some sort of delicate flower you have to protect, Dean!" When Mary finished, Dean stilled, like a predator who spotted his prey. He was obviously furious, his face a cold mask, but he was rigidly controlled as he stared at her.

"Protect you? It's not about you, Mom? How 'bout this - I spent my childhood terrified and hungry so that Sam wouldn't be. Is that the kind of thing you want to know?" Dean was getting more animated now, his voice rising. He towered over her and for a brief second Mary felt afraid of her son. "Or did you want to know what it felt like to have Sam die in my arms? Or should I tell you all about the time I spent in Hell? Or maybe about the time I almost smashed Sam's head in with a hammer?" Mary gasped and Dean took a breath and held it, struggling for control.

Sam and Cas had stopped far ahead. Cas was watching their conversation, but Sam had his head turned away, his features hidden by his hair. Dean rubbed the back of his neck and then released his breath slowly. His eyes followed hers to his brother, but his words were for her.

"Look, Mom. It's not about hiding things, or protecting you. It's just that...that the only way Sam and I can keep moving forward, is to leave the past in the past." And with a quick glance of regret at her, he moved to join the others.

"Dean -" she called after him, but he didn't turn around and she was left to fumble for her own flashlight in the fading darkness. Mary huffed out another shaky sigh, then gathered herself and followed her sons.


	10. Heading Home

Sam kept moving, sacrificing his usual silence for speed. Once Charlie disappeared into the flash of light, he had taken one look at the compass and headed out into the forest, desperate to get away from the glade and the concerned glances of his family. After everything that had happened, he wanted nothing more than to retreat into the semi-private comfort of the Impala. He let his long legs give him an advantage through the scrub and deadfall beneath the trees. As always, Dean was only a few steps away, but luckily his brother knew enough not to talk to him. Sam was eminently grateful. He felt raw, like he was frayed around the edges, that if Dean or anyone pulled too hard he would distort and tangle into something he could never begin to unknot.

He could avoid talking, but he couldn't avoid thinking. Over the years he had practically perfected his ability to compartmentalize. He'd had to. It was the only way he could keep functioning. It was how he could keep putting one foot in front of the other and do what needed to be done. It was how he could be there for Dean, Mom, Cas, and the rest of the people he considered his family. If the horror and trauma sometimes seeped into his nightmares well, that was just the cost of doing this business. He'd just take all the fear and pain and guilt, wall it up and never look too closely at it again. Normally he could push aside his emotions and just work the job, but tonight...well tonight he felt the plaster crack. He'd had so many of his failures thrown in his face over the past couple of hours that his emotions had spilled out like a freaking pinata.

Cas tugged on his arm lightly to bring him to a stop. At some point Dean had gone back to walk with Mom. Sam knew he should have noticed, that he should ask what was going on, but he couldn't find it in him to care right now. All he wanted was to keep moving as if that would stave off the wave of emotions that threatened to drag him under. Maybe it was already too late.

Shame and regret swirled through his head. He was unable to stop the dark thoughts and images that spiraled like a whirlpool, drowning him in a despair he usually kept deeply hidden. Jessica burning. Dad dead on that hospital floor. Dean's chest torn to ribbons. Charlie's crumpled body. Helpless. Useless. Unable to save any of them. When he closed his eyes, he could still see his hand burning the life out of Kevin, the fear in Bobby's expression when he'd almost stabbed him, and worse, the coldness in Dean's eyes as his brother held Death's scythe. Like film played at high speed, his brain showed him a bloody montage of the faces of all the people he couldn't save, the people who died because of him, the people he'd murdered. And over the whole soul crushing mess, like a horrific soundtrack, he could almost hear Lucifer's smug laugh. Sam shuddered and forced his eyes open.

"Are you okay, Sam?" the angel asked. Sam contemplated telling Cas the truth, but he wasn't entirely sure what the truth was. His thoughts were racing far too fast, so he gave his standard reply as he fiddled with the straps of the bag on his shoulder.

"I'm fine, Cas," he said and started walking again, a feeling of panic pushing him forward. Finding the car gave him something to focus on, something productive. Twigs slapped at his face and arms, but he ignored them. He just needed to get to the car.

After a while, Sam began to recognize the landmarks that meant that they were close to the service road where they'd parked. The pressure in his chest that had been building finally broke and it was all he could do to muffle a gasping sob of relief. He knew he was overreacting, anxious and tired, but he couldn't help it. Hopefully Dean and Cas didn't hear him. Everything tonight had been overwhelming and he couldn't talk about it with anyone until he'd had time to make some sense out of it all.

Another ten minutes or so, and Sam realized that the forest was beginning to thin out. The first rays of dawn were slowly lightening the darkness under the trees and he could make out the path that led to the blessed comfort of the car. Plunging forward, he stifled the urge to break into a run. He had to get back to the car where he could breath and get his bearings. Then he could begin the work of shoving everything back where it belonged.

xxxxxxx

No sooner had he rejoined Sam and Cas, when Dean regretted how he had snapped at Mom. He made it a point to keep an eye on her as they moved through the forest in Sam's wake. He wanted to make sure that she didn't fall behind. It had only been a couple of hours ago when he had thought about how much he wanted her to ask about his life. Now that she had, he found it intrusive. He didn't want to dig up the past. Much of what he and Sam had gone through were things he didn't want to remember. Some of it, he wished he could forget. Still, his experiences had made him into who he was, and he was generally okay with that now. But, that didn't mean he wanted to dredge everything up. Internally he laughed sourly at his own contradictions. He wanted to get close to Mom, but he wasn't entirely ready to open up to her. She was obviously distant and he didn't approve of what she was doing with the British Men of Letters, but he still longed for a connection with her. It was too damn confusing and he left pondering the problem for now. If he was honest, he was too worried about Sam right now to find thinking about their mother as anything other than a distraction.

Tonight had been a lot to deal with, and once they were home and safe, he'd allow himself to process it all, preferably with a whiskey in hand. But that wasn't how Sam worked, and his brother had been quiet - way too quiet, since they left the glade. Dean had already noted how Sam ignored the stinging branches and brambles that clawed at him. His brother was lost in his thoughts, and for Sam, that could be a dangerous place to be. Add to that the blistering pace Sam had set, and he knew that the kid was really struggling. Dean decided to let Sam be for now, just staying close as they walked through the forest. He figured he'd have plenty of time to pry Sam out of his head during the drive home. Somehow the purr of the engine and the hum of the tires always made talking in Baby easier.

After a while, Dean caught through the trees, the gleam from the first rays of sunshine flashing off of chrome. A few minutes later, he stepped out onto the access road where they had parked. The Impala glimmered darkly, patient and willing. Sam was already waiting by the trunk with the weapons bag in hand when Dean and Cas made their way over to the car. Mom stumbled out of the path right behind them. Sam didn't say anything and they all stood awkwardly as Dean fished the keys out of his pocket and handed them to Sam.

"Well, I'm going to check on Claire before resuming my search for Kelly Kline," Cas rumbled. Sam was turned slightly away, putting the weapons back into the now open trunk, so he didn't respond, but Dean nodded in acknowledgement.

"Tell her we say Hi, and be careful." Cas glanced at Sam and gave Dean a short smile and a knowing look.

"I'll call if I find anything," and with that he strode over to his truck. Mom gave him a wave as he pulled out and drove off. Now that she was in front of him, Dean felt embarrassed by his previous outburst.

"Mom, I didn't mean to…," he sighed. "If you want to know something, you can..." he stammered, but she cut him off.

"It's fine Dean." He knew it wasn't, not really, but just then her phone chirped and she dug it out of her pocket and read the text. "I've got to go," she said with a wan smile or her own. Dean tried to keep his face neutral. They were playing nice with the Brits now, but that didn't mean he had to like how Mom jumped when they whistled. She shoved the phone back into her jeans.

"Uh, I'll call you," she said awkwardly. "Bye Dean. Bye Sam." Sam managed a soft goodbye, but he still didn't look up at Mom as she walked to her car.

Dean waved as she sped past, spitting dirt as she accelerated. With just the two of them in the soft light of the early morning and what sounded like the singing from a thousand birds in the treetops, Dean felt himself begin to relax. He loved Mom and Cas, but it was always more comfortable when it was just him and Sam. Tossing his own duffle into the car, he studied Sam as his brother moved towards the passenger side and folded his tall frame into the seat. Dean closed the trunk and took a deep breath of the clear, crisp air, letting the purity of the day wash over him. He'd do whatever it took to help Sammy deal. After all, taking care of his brother was his specialty. He climbed behind the wheel and pulled the door shut, eager to hit the road.


	11. Breakfast of Champions

Dean took the opportunity and the daylight to really take a look at his brother as they drove out of the forest cover. Sam's hair was unusually messy with a couple of twigs stuck in the strands. He'd wiped his face on his jacket, but his eyes were still red and slightly puffy from crying. He was also holding himself carefully away from the seat back and Dean belatedly remembered the tree he'd had been tossed into. He wondered just how bruised Sam was. In the past he'd have pulled over immediately to check his brother over for injuries, but he trusted Sam to tell him if he was truly hurt. It was hard, but somewhere along the way he'd realized that his kid had grown up. Of course right now he looked impossibly young and vulnerable, reminding Dean of when Sammy was little and he could solve everything with a hug. Life hadn't been that simple for a very long time. He dug into an inner pocket and handled Sam a bottle of painkillers.

"Take one." Sam slowly took the pills and dug out a bottle of water from under the seat. He shook out a couple and swallowed them tossing both bottles onto the seat between them. The fact that Sam didn't protest or argue told Dean that his brother was struggling.

A couple of hours later, and Sam still hadn't said a word. At first Dean had thought that the muted growl of his Baby had soothed Sam to sleep - something both he and the kid probably needed. But Sam was simply staring blindly out the passenger window, oblivious to the new sunshine and the scenery speeding by. Dean didn't bother asking him if he was okay. It had been a hell of a night - for both of them, and there was no way Sam was going to just bounce back. Nah, his brother needed to examine things, pick 'em apart, analyse them, before he could file them away in that big brain of his and move forward. Dean knew from experience that there was nothing he could really do to help, but he fervently wished that there was.

With a soft sigh, he rolled his shoulders turning his focus back to the road. It was a beautiful morning to be on the road, but he'd been up for more than 24 hours and he was tired. The silence from the passenger seat wasn't helping. He needed some coffee and Baby needed some gas. A billboard flashed by advertising both in a few miles, so he checked the odometer.

"Hey Sam, I'm gonna stop for gas and I need some coffee. You want some?." Dean spared a glance at Sam, but his brother didn't seem to hear him. "Sam?," he said a little louder with still no response. His worry cranked a notch higher, he needed to get Sammy out of his head. Slapping out with his right hand he landed his palm on Sam's shoulder, grateful when Sam pulled his eyes from the window.

"Sorry, what?" Sam said.

"I said, the car needs gas and I need coffee. Did you want some breakfast?" It seemed to take Sam a long time to formulate an answer.

"Nah, I'm not really hungry," was all he said before he turned back to stare out the window some more. Dean let him go back to his brooding for now, but he kept his eyes peeled for the promised gas station. Maybe he'd pick up a granola bar or something for his brother. When Sam was stressed he had a tendency to forget to eat.

After a few more miles, Dean slowed to turn into the small Gas n' Sip. He filled Baby's tank and then went inside to pay and look for some caffeine. The large out-of-order sign on the coffee machine had him cursing under his breath as he smacked the money for the gas on the counter.

The guy behind the register grimaced apologetically.

"Yeah, sorry. But if you don't mind a quick detour off the main road, Rico's is open. They've got coffee and some great chow." At Dean's tired stare the man quickly continued. "It's a pretty little spot too. Just take a right at the next crossroads and it's about 8 miles down, on the left." He handed Dean back his change.

Dean returned to the car. Sam looked over distractedly when he pulled the door open, but other than that made no comment about the lack of coffee. Pulling back out onto the road, Dean followed the clerk's directions.

Rico's Taco Truck was nothing much to look at. The building wasn't much more than a garishly painted hut attached to a food truck, but judging by the number of pickups and cars that were pulled into the gravel parking lot, it was popular with the locals. There was a large pond bordering one end of the lot and Dean parked the car facing the water. As the cooling car ticked, he stared at the calm water. It was a very pretty view with surprisingly lush greenery surrounding the pond. There were some picnic tables scattered nearby, but none were occupied. Probably too early. Most of the breakfast crowd looked like working men on the way to manual labour jobs. Dean jostled Sam again.

"Hey, I'm going to get something to eat." Sam nodded vaguely. With a sigh, Dean left him in the car.

Rico turned out to be a redheaded teen with freckles, but the older woman who was manning the grill would have fit into any cantina Dean had been to in Texas or New Mexico. Dean waited impatiently in line behind a couple of guys in construction hats. The smell wafting from the open window of the food truck had his stomach rumbling.

"What can I get you," asked Freckles when Dean made it to the window.

"I'll take 4 breakfast burritos, 2 large coffees and one of those blueberry muffins." He figured if nothing else, he could get Sam to eat the muffin. Stepping aside to wait for his order, Dean watched a number of blue collar men and women swing in and pick up what were obviously pre-ordered meals. Despite that, the wait wasn't very long and he eagerly grabbed the box of food. As he moved towards the car balancing the coffee cups, he noticed that the Impala was empty. Scanning the lot, he spotted Sam at one of the picnic tables facing the water.

xxxxxxx

The slam of the driver's door broke Sam out of his reverie. Dean had said something about breakfast as he left, and now Sam realized that he was hungry after all. He got out of the car to follow Dean and get something to eat, but when he looked around he stopped. The morning was sunny and warm for this early in the Spring. The pond in front of him was calm and green, the surface sparkling in the sunlight. A couple of ducks were alternately bobbing for food and fluffing their feathers to dry. Birds were singing and flitting around the reeds that edged the pond. It was a peaceful, idyllic scene and Sam felt some of the tension leave his body. He wandered over to a nearby picnic table and sat down letting the beauty soothe some of the rawness he felt. A few minutes later a box of food appeared in front of him.

"So, I got you some breakfast burritos and a muffin," Dean said as he climbed over the bench and sat down beside him. Sam appreciated the food which smelled delicious, but it was the large coffee Dean pushed his way that he reached for

His brother unwrapped a burrito and took a big bite, his pleasure evident from the contented moan Dean gave. Sam took a sip of his coffee and went back to watching the water in front of them. They sat in companionable silence while Dean obliterated his sandwich and Sam made some headway on his coffee. After wiping his fingers on a napkin, Dean nudged the muffin at Sam.

"Here," he ordered gently. "You should eat something." Sam had to smile. He knew that Dean was worried about him, so he took a tentative bite of the muffin and was surprised at how good it was. His brother drank his coffee and shot surreptitious looks his way, watching him eat.

xxxxxxxxx

Dean felt a little calmer. Sam was beginning to dig into his muffin with some enthusiasm. He turned and watched the pond while he sipped his coffee, sneaking occasional glances at his brother as he ate. The lines of stress on Sam's face had eased a bit.

"You alright?," Dean couldn't resist asking. Sam kept his eyes on the water and took a swig of coffee while he thought about his answer. He seemed to come to some kind of decision because he gave Dean a small smile.

"Yeah, I'm good." Sam tried to sound sincere, but Dean knew that his brother still had a lot on his mind. Honestly, he did too. There was a time when he would do almost anything to avoid talking about his feelings, but he was older now. Maybe he still didn't like to talk about emotional things, but he'd gained enough perspective to know that sometimes it helped.

"You sure? 'Cause last night was…." Dean trailed off as he struggled to find the right word. Parts of the experience had been incredible. Seeing Dad. And Bobby. It felt like a unbelievable gift. But then again, seeing Mom cry, devastated at losing her husband again. And Charlie. His gut clenched with the guilt he still felt when he thought about her.

"Intense?" Sam offered, and it was Dean's turn to smile wryly.

"Yeah. That's one way to put it," he said. Sam sighed and contemplated his coffee.

"Actually, I don't know if I'm okay." Dean stayed silent at that rare admission. Now that he had Sam talking, he knew the kid needed to get it out. "I mean, I got to see Dad again, to hear him say he was proud of me, that he loved me." Sam's voice rose and then broke on the last word, his eyes bright and damp again. He turned away to face the ducks and cleared his throat a few times. Dean patiently waited as he got himself under control. When Sam could speak again, he continued, his voice tight. "Seeing Dad was great, but…it was hard to dig all that up again, you know?" Dean did know, but he just nodded and tossed the ducks bits of Sam's discarded muffin. "And seeing Jess…" he paused and ran a hand down his face. "She died a long time ago. So much has happened to me since then."

"Understatement," Dean muttered under his breath. He leaned over and briefly pressed his shoulder against Sam's. His brother huffed out a small, surprised laugh. He shot Dean a grateful look, but then went back to staring into the distance. The ducks paddled around looking for more muffin, but Dean was sure that Sam wasn't seeing them.

"But Charlie - her death is still on me." Sam's hair swung in front of his face as he fiddled with his empty coffee cup.

"Dude," Dean said gently. "You heard her, she doesn't blame you." Dean knew that the whole Mark of Cain fiasco was his fault, but now was not the time to unpack that mess. Sam grew very still.

"You do," he said simply in a voice so soft that Dean barely heard it. Dean was taken aback.

"What the hell are you talking about?" But, even as he said it, his mind supplied the memory. It was tinged red, like many of his memories from that time, as if the evil of the Mark had stained even how his brain stored experiences. Losing Charlie had been the final straw. He'd been so messed up that he'd essentially told his brother that he wished Sam had been the one who died.

"Never mind, it's...it's fine. I get it, you weren't...you didn't…" Sam stammered behind his hair as he always did when he was flustered. He'd been like that every since he was a kid. Normally it amused Dean to see still see the little boy in his gigantor brother. But right now, the horrible thing he'd said to Sam took any pleasure out of the moment. It was completely untrue of course. He knew without a doubt that there was no way he could live with Sam being dead.

"Hey," Dean said gripping Sam's wrist gently to get his attention. "I was pretty far gone by that point. I was angry all the time, the Mark was constantly pushing me, wanting me to destroy everything and everyone." Sam nodded in agreement, always too willing to absolve his big brother of his sins. Dean knew that what he had said had wounded Sam and he shouldn't have been surprised that his words had festered. He found himself self-conscious and uncomfortable with this confession, but he had to do what he could to reassure his brother.

"But Sam, - I should have never said what I did." The kid risked a glance at him, searching for the truth in his face. Dean let his emotions bleed through so that Sammy could see his regret. "Look, if anyone is to blame for what happened to Charlie, it's me. You were only trying to save me. I almost killed you - twice! And you wouldn't give up on me. I wouldn't be sitting here if it wasn't for you. So, I'm sorry." With that, Dean had to look away, unable to deal with the compassion and love he saw in Sam's eyes. He rubbed his hands on his jeans then busied himself bundling up the uneaten burritos.

"Thanks," Sam said quietly after a long pause. He gathered up their empty coffee cups and walked them over to the nearby trash can. Dean pushed to his feet and headed towards his brother. He handed Sam the box of leftover breakfast.

"C'mon. We've still got a drive ahead of us," was all he said, swinging the car keys around his finger. Dean stood at the driver's door and watched Sam walk around to the other side of the car. An image from a year ago, of Sam's bloody body, pale and lifeless, lying on the floor of that Idaho cabin flashed through his mind. Dean shuddered. He'd promised himself then that he'd do better, that his brother would never have to doubt what he meant to him. Instead he'd let all the stuff with Mom, and Lucifer's spawn, and the British Men of Letters distract him. He scowled, disgusted at himself.

"What?" Sam obviously had caught his expression and was leaning on the roof of the car looking at him. Dean forced a smile.

"Nothing Sammy." He slapped Baby's roof. "Let's go home." Dean slid behind the wheel and Sam joined him, the doors creaked in unison as they closed them. This time, he vowed, he wouldn't let himself get distracted. He wasn't going to lose Sam again. The powerful V8 roared to life and he pulled back onto the black top. Sure, he had regrets, lots of them. But right now, the sun was shining, the sky was blue and his brother was sitting by his side. Right now, life was a gift.


End file.
